Then and Now...

Because I'm sure you're just dying to know...


So far I've lost NINETY (90) POUNDS! NINETY FREAKING POUNDS!  ...I still want to lose about 70 more, but I'm feeling pretty damned good.  Life is so much easier when you're no longer carrying around three 30lbs bags of dog food everywhere you go.  I don't know how I did it.  I love being able to climb several flights of stairs without getting winded, being able to put on and tie my shoes like a "normal person" sitting in a chair!  I love being able to cross my legs, sit on the floor, fit in those stupid white resin patio chairs!  I love not having to worry about whether or not I'm going to fit in a booth or get up on a bar stool.  I'm still quite overweight and have a ways to go but every day I'm grateful for the accomplishments I've made and look forward to what's in store for my future!

Then

Now - 7.5 Months Post Op

Best Decision I've Ever Made

I'm such a slacker!  I know.  I'm sorry.  I've got so many projects going (more like ideas processing) that I can't seem to hone in on one long enough to actually complete any of them...including this blog, or at least a blog entry!

Anyway, my last entry was basically about the anxiety I was feeling over the impending Mud Run which was to take place a week later.  All I can say about that is, "I'm a dork."  The mud run was a BLAST!

Mel and Me at the Starting Line

Brett wasn't able to see the whole course from the spectator's area, but he was able to capture the most important part...getting muddy!

And the best part was that I finished!  I walked a lot of it, if not most but completing it was the best feeling, ever! 

Mel and I were covered from head to toe.  It took me a week to get the mud stains off of my skin.  My finger and toe nails looked like I had a wicked Cheetos addiction.  

I can't wait to do it again!

A Mud What?!

It's been almost 4 months since my last blog post.  This MIGHT be the longest I've ever gone.  For all of you who have been waiting with baited breath, I'm sorry.  I've thought about writing a couple of times but then I've thought, "what would I even write about?"  Things have really been very...boring for the past several months.  Okay, maybe "boring" isn't the right word, but I can't really think of anything super exciting that was blog-worthy.  Yes, I've been losing weight and yes, I'm feeling like a whole new person but day-to-day life has been just that!

So here's a quick summary of the past four months:  I've lost 70lbs total since December 1 and have been averaging about 10lbs a month for the last 3 or 4 months.  When I look at the big number I'm pleased, I realize that 70lbs is a LOT of weight but 10lbs per month does not seem like much considering I had my guts re-routed.  I don't let this get me down but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a tad bit disappointing.

Over the past four months I've gone to the beach three times (not bad!), seen a couple of plays, had a few girls' nights out and started working out regularly (sometimes).

I still struggle with exercise.  I'll do good for a few weeks but then something comes up like a vacation or illness or a change in my routine and I have a REALLY hard time getting back into the swing of things.  I had started the Couch to 5k running program, got through the first week, decided to do the first week again on the second week because I didn't feel ready to move on and then we went on vacation-- haven't been back since.  I know that I need to exercise- no need for lectures.  There's nothing anyone can say that will get my ass to the gym, I will do it...I WILL!  I actually got up early this morning, got dressed, put on my shoes, got in the car, drove down the street towards the gym and then turned around and came home.  Why?  Because it was raining, of course!  I know that sounds like a ridiculous excuse but in my defense it wasn't just raining it was a torrential downpour and the walk from the car to the door of the gym is kinda far if you're walking through a solid sheet of water.  Yes, I realize I could have taken an umbrella, I don't need you to point out what I could have or should have done differently, I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself...I promise!  :-D  I will exercise today, no two ways about it.  I have water aerobics tonight, which I won't miss, although it may be cancelled due to this weather.  However, I WILL go for a walk/run TODAY in my neighborhood.  Seriously!

Okay, enough of that.  Now what's the real purpose of this blog entry?  Well I'm going to do my FIRST mud run NEXT WEEKEND!  (see I can't NOT go for a walk/run through my neighborhood today!)  If you know me personally, or if you've been reading my blog for a while you probably already know how badly I've wanted to do a mud run for a LONG time.  I had hoped to be able to do the Warrior Dash in May, but I wasn't ready.  Hell!  I'm not even sure that I'm ready for this race, but I AM ready to have fun and this one, I believe, is less of a competition more of an excuse to get dirty.

I had pretty much resigned myself to waiting until the fall to do my first but then...Living Social came a-knockin on my email door and I couldn't refuse.  Well, actually I could, but I didn't want to. I saw the email, first-thing when I checked my email yesterday morning on my phone.  I didn't delete it because I wanted to look at it on my computer so I could really investigate.  When I got to my computer about an hour later, there was an email from my friend Melinda that was a forward of the Living Social deal with the words, "Let's do this!!!!! What do you say?"  I mean really, how do you say "no" to that?!  HA!

I hemmed and hawed and freaked out and looked at the race website over and over again.  I surveyed some friends and asked for advice on the Spartan Chick Facebook page and everyone said I should do it.  I didn't really expect them to say anything different.  If I did, I probably wouldn't have asked and if I didn't actually want to do it I wouldn't have even mentioned it but I still needed a good freak out session.

Every time I thought about it, which was pretty much every 10 seconds from about 7:30am until 12:00pm, I got all emotional.  Fear, excitement, joy, fear, fear, fear.  Did I mention fear?  I was fearful that I wouldn't be able to do it, fearful that people would stare or judge or just flat out wonder why I was there but mostly I was fearful of myself. I don't like to suck at things, I'm assuming no one does, but I will rarely try something unless I KNOW I'm going to be good at it.  You may have heard me say before, "I don't want to learn things, I just want to know them."  The same goes for this.  I don't want to "try" it I just want to "do" it, followed up with a loud, "but I don't want to fail!"  Which brings us to the hours of hemming and hawing.  There were many words of encouragement from others but ultimately I had to encourage myself so I decided that I was being silly.  That I should just go and have fun and get dirty and hang with my girl, Melinda.  I have no doubt that we will laugh our asses off the majority of the time and the after-look will make for a great photo-op!

I won't say that I'm not nervous anymore because that would be a lie.  The course is 3.1 miles...did I mention that yet?  No, I don't think I did.  Yeah...THREE POINT ONE MILES!  Enough said!  But knowing that six months ago this was only a dream and that today or at least next week it will be a reality is pretty mother effing THRILLING!  Even if I'm unable to complete all the obstacles and even if I walk the entire thing, I will have accomplished my MAJOR weightloss goal and will only be able to improve from there!

For your viewing pleasure...

Changes and Carrowinds and Anything else relevant...

So I'm sitting here looking at the Carrowinds website for a work related issue and I see that season tickets are on sale and I instantly get excited.

One of my major goals for weightloss surgery is to be able to ride roller coasters again- something I haven't been able to do since 1998- and even then, there were some that my butt wouldn't fit in. So here I am, down 40lbs and wondering if it's worth it to spend the $150.00 for something I may or may not be able to use. In 1999, I weighed about 250, MAYBE 240...maybe. I'm at 280 right now. Do we think I can get down to at least 240 before the beginning of summer? It seems feasible, but...ugh! I asked Brett what he thought and he seems to think that he won't be able to lose enough between now and then- so he's hesitant. Is it wrong of me to want to be completely selfish and say, I'm GOING!? God I want to go SO bad! I want my heart in my throat for at least six hours in one day, several times this year! Tell me that doesn't sound most awesome? I told him that even if we aren't able to do all the rides this year, there will be some that won't be a problem and others that may start as a problem but by the end of summer will be no problem at all. He wasn't completely convinced-- I'm going to have to work on that. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want a season pass! Like REALLY!!!

This brings me to "other news". These last few weeks have been jam packed and super great! It's truly amazing how much better I feel. Not just physically but mentally too. I'm able to focus better, accomplish more and think more clearly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not cured of my ADD- far from it, but I do feel a lot more in control. I feel certain that having little to no simple carbs (and even less wheat) in my diet has made a HUGE difference. I'm also certain that my hormones are leveling out a bit too. I am able to sit down at my desk and actually get a lot of work done at one time rather than spending my day trying to figure out what to do. My job is getting better and I'm finally looking forward to the next day. (I really didn't realize just how depressed I'd become.) This lack of depression is really astounding.

I have been going non-stop for a couple of weeks now. Just yesterday I worked, went to the gym, came home, cooked dinner, ate, watched some TV and then went to the grocery store. The gym and store are two things I wouldn't have done two months ago. The store, eventually, when I finally got around to it, but the gym...eh, highly unlikely-- especially not two days in a row! (I am taking the day off today though)

Tonight I'm going to a meeting for a club we joined a couple months ago, tomorrow I'm going to see a play, I'll be spending Saturday at Costco, Saturday night at a piano bar, Sunday cleaning my house, Monday having coffee with a friend (hopefully), Tuesday and Wednesday preparing for our beach trip on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday! I can't say it enough...I feel like a REAL person with a REAL life!

Even more exciting? For the FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I have to get rid of clothes because they're TOO BIG! WHAT?!?!?!?! Yes! That's just insane! I'm not in need of new clothes yet, which is fine by my wallet, but there are definitely some pants that just look ridiculous on me now. Woo hoo!

Eating is going well. Maybe a little too well. I thought that my decisions would be made for me for at least the first six months, but it turns out there's nothing I can't eat. Seriously. I have had NO problems with anything I've tried, even dessert. (two bites, that's all) So it's up to me to make the right choices. I'm okay with that- the bypass is still my tool and I'm not feeling deprived at all. I'm CHOOSING to eat mostly protein and vegetables and I don't feel like I'm a slave to carbs. The best part is that when I'm at my goal weight (whatever that may be) I'll know that I earned every ounce of pride I'll have for making the choice to get healthy and fit. So that's that.

The countdown begins

My surgery is in exactly 17 days and I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

I started my liquid diet today, something I've been dreading for months but now that today is here I'm pretty okay with it. I'm actually not supposed to start until Monday but I decided to start today. I gained five pounds over the past month (might have had something to do with Thanksgiving and/or my period- who knows) that I need to be sure to lose before the surgery so I figured I might as well get a head-start.

It's funny...I thought that I would totally freak out having to give up food during this time but instead I'm finding myself excited about it. For the first time in my life I feel not just hopeful that I will lose weight, but confident that it will happen. There have been countless times in my life that I've tried to diet but other than a few pounds at the beginning I've never had much success. The lack of success led to feeling like a failure which quickly led to giving up and feeling even more like a failure, especially since giving up meant gaining back the weight that I had lost plus more.

My body is a mess. I have been significantly overweight for as long as I can remember. When people (doctors included) ask me what my goal weight is I tell them I have no idea. It's true, I really don't. Based on BMI standards I should weigh between 105 and 135lbs. The problem is, I haven't weight 135 since I was 11 years old! Do you think you could ever weigh what you weighed in grade school?! NO! So the thought of having an "appropriate BMI" seems pretty fricken impossible.

When I think back to a time that I was a "healthy weight", when I was super active (and the same height I am now) I think about 1990, when I was almost 14 and weighed 165lbs. I was still "big", still the "fat kid" (compared to others my age), but I was doing gymnastics five days a week and probably in the best shape of my life. I still had a dimple of cellulite on my upper left thigh but I was otherwise pretty toned or as toned as I could be. (My mom would always tell me my butt was so hard!) So I've decided that my ultimate weight goal is 165lbs, I don't know if it's actually attainable- like I said, I was 14 years old the last time I weighed that much, but I'm definitely going to give it a try. However, instead of stressing myself out over a number on the scale, my main focus is fitness. There are so many things I want to be able to do, one of them is a Mud Run- a 3 mile obstacle course...IN THE MUD! There's one in May 2012 which I think would be AWESOME, but since I have no idea how much weight I will have lost by then or more importantly what kind of shape I'll be in, it might be a little far fetched. I think I'll know better come February whether or not that goal is reasonable. Is it February yet?!

I had a little melt down on Monday. I have been seeing a therapist in anticipation of the surgery as well as other issues I'm trying to work through (ADD for one) and she told me during our visit on Monday that if I was going to be successful at losing weight I was going to need to be regimented. Anyone who knows me, knows that regiment is a like four letter word in my book. It's probably what I need most in my life (especially for the ADD) but it's EXTREMELY difficult for me to fathom and even more so, to implement. Grr! So armed with this bit of information I came home feeling like I was going to fail. There was no doubt in my mind. I mean, I had already been worried about it. For the past several weeks I'd been worrying that I was going to fail, that I'd be the 3% (or whatever the number is) that the surgery doesn't work for and that'd be it. It'd be one more failed diet to add to my list of failures. I was feeling depressed and stressed to the max, then when she told me that I'd have to be regimented it was like one more nail in the failure-coffin. So I cried...a lot. Brett was such a trooper, he listened, tried to be reassuring and of course laughed at me a little because well, that's what he does. I laughed a little at myself too. I knew I was being ridiculous but I couldn't help it. There's a LOT of pressure involved with all of this. Expectations for something that there's no way of knowing what to expect. (I DO NOT LIKE NOT KNOWING WHAT TO EXPECT!)

I finally decided to call my friend Kayce who had the surgery last year and she was able to talk me down. She has had INSANE results that I had chalked up to being "luck" but when she told me how hard she's worked, how she's stuck to the diet and exercised regularly I realized "duh! I can do that too!" I hadn't realized just how dumb I was being about the whole situation. I mean, I KNEW that it was going to be "hard", that's what everyone tells you, but I just thought they meant it was going to be hard to eat (or not to eat), not that the process was going to be hard work! Yes, I know how dumb that sounds and no, I did not think that it was going to be easy, I just didn't...I don't know, I just thought it was going to come down to luck.

Anyway, something clicked and I'm feeling so much better. For whatever reason, I have a tendency to make things more difficult that they need to be. Like, I am almost literally the one who goes around my ass to get to my elbow with everything in life, but once something clicks I'm brilliant. So watch out! My brilliance is about to SHINE, BIG TIME!

As for being regimented, I'm not going to stress too much about that. It will be fine. I'll get my protein in everyday and limit my carbs everyday and I'll exercise (when I'm feeling better) and I will be successful!

The weight I lose today and the next day and the next day will be the last time I EVER see those pounds AGAIN! And that my friends is the best feeling in the world!

Goings on as of Late...

Well, I'm less than five weeks from the day of my surgery (December 19th) and less than three weeks from the first day of the two-week-long dreaded liquid diet!

This whole surgery thing has sparked an array of emotions that I hadn't really expected. When I first decided that surgery was my best (only) option I felt at peace. It had been a long time coming. Something that had been mentioned to me by others but something that I wouldn't even consider because I didn't want to put off getting pregnant in order to have the surgery. Once we decided we didn't want to have kids that excuse no longer existed so I was free to do whatever I wanted.

At my initial surgical consult, I learned that I was going to have to do a three month doctor supervised weightloss plan but I wasn't going to be able to see the doctor for over a month from the day of the consult. So even though I had made the decision in May, had gone to the seminar in late May, had the consult the first of June...it was going be July 14th before I'd be able to start the required "plan"-- it seemed like an eternity.

Come September, we found out that our insurance was going to change as of January 1st and I started to freak out a little. I'd already done everything except my last follow-up visit and I was ready! So ready to get the surgery DONE! And I started worrying that the insurance company wasn't going to cover it. No Bueno!

I knew there was nothing I could do other than wait and be patient but that wasn't easy.

On October 14th, I went for my last follow up appointment. The doctor signed off on everything so that it could be sent off to the insurance company. While checking out, the clerk told me that they would send everything over to the insurance company the next day and that my insurance company usually take about six weeks to get an authorization so I could expect my surgery to be around the first of the year. WHAT?! NO! I explained to her that my insurance was going to change and that I really needed to get it done before the first of the year so she called the lady in the office who handles the insurance stuff and left her a message to call me.

That was a Tuesday. She didn't call. So Thursday I called her and explained the situation. She said that she was sending everything over that day and I'd probably hear something within 3-4 weeks. Grrrrr!

Not an hour went by that I didn't think about my surgery. Wondering if it was going to happen, knowing that it was completely out of my hands. It was up to someone who had never met me to decide if my surgery would be paid for and since it wasn't something I could afford out of pocket I felt like my future was in that person's hands.

For the past several months, ever since I'd decided to have the surgery, I felt like a whole new world had been opened up for me or at least WILL be opened up for me next year. As long as I can remember I've been living for, next year. I've been on a diet, trying to lose weight for all of my adult life, saying to myself "next year I'm going to go kayaking." "Next year, I'm going to ride the roller coasters and Carrowinds" "Next year I'll be able to buy that dress" "Next year...." I've been living for next year for 15+ years! And now, FINALLY NEXT YEAR WILL COME! Hooray for surgery! If it get's approved. Crap,what if it doesn't get approved? Then what? And what have I been doing for the past 15 years? How much of my life, the best time of most people's lives, have I wasted? I mean, I haven't just sat around and done nothing but there have certainly been MAJOR things that I have put off doing for as long as I can remember. And always living for "next year?" Yeah, that blows.

So I spent most of September and October feeling sorry for myself, realizing just how much of my life I've wasted. I'm still not over it but I am feeling more optimistic-- sort of.

I ended up get the authorization on Tuesday, October 25th. Just four working days after the paperwork had been submitted. HOLY COW! That's like record time! I was elated! It felt like I had just been cast as Mrs. Lovett in Sweeny Todd. A goal that I had set out to accomplish had been attained! I did it! It's really going to happen!

All day Tuesday I was beaming! As well as most of Wednesday, part of Thursday, some of Friday...by the follow Monday I was only barely beaming. As of today, I'm mostly beaming but the reality had certainly set in.

I'm not really scare of dying- the likelihood of that is extremely slim, however, it is major surgery and of course that risk is there. The way I see it, I'm barely living so that small risk is one I'm willing to take. Besides, if I do die, I'll be dead, I won't even know or care, it's my friends and family that I worry about. But only a little, because I'm not planning on dying. Moving on. What the realization/fear that has really set in is- failing. I've failed at so many diets and so many attempted lifestyle changes. I have so many learned bad habits and issues with food and since I've never been much of a self motivator, how will I do this on my own? How will I be successful? Growing up, I was never taught to expect to succeed. I was taught to expect to fail. Of course I was never told, "you're going to fail" but I always had hear the words of "the devil's advocate". Apparently my family has a direct line to Satan. This is not a bash against my family, this is a realization of the affects of negative thinking even though they meant well.

So now I'm working to try to over come these fears. I'm seeing a psychologist who is helping me to work through this stuff. She is taking a logical route. Telling me I should make a plan, set a schedule and get regimented. Until this very moment (literally just had an epiphany) I was fighting her tooth and nail. But she's right. For whatever reason, emotional problem solving is not my forte. At least not solving my OWN emotional problems. Instead of searching for solutions I search for answers. (Mom, I know you're reading this...you do the same thing!) The fact of the matter is, that it doesn't matter WHY I eat or WHY I do much of anything, instead it's a matter of HOW to fix it.

I suddenly feel better. Deep breath.

I'm sure I will have more ups and downs before December 19th but I'm going to try to focus on solving the problem with real, tangible tactics rather than looking for some answer to make it all make sense.

The End.

oh, one more thing...

Brett is back to working in the office four days a week, and I'm thinking that's going to be his excuse for not getting his sperm checked. He's "cute" like that. :D

But also, while I'm at it, I should take a minute to brag on him a bit even though what I really want right now is a nap--

My husband is truly incredible. As I mentioned in my last post...all of like five minutes ago- he's lost 25lbs! And even though I really want to hate him for it, I just can't. I'm so happy for him! I want to say I'm proud of him because I have a problem with that word. I don't think I have the right to be proud of other people. Pride is something you take in the things YOU do. I will be proud of my children, but I can't be proud of my husband. He's the one making the choices. He is CHOOSING hard boiled eggs and cottage cheese over fast food and chips. He is CHOOSING to be more active; to go places and do things rather than veg on the couch.

He's pretty awesome, in every sense of the word. I am in awe of his patience, passion, compassion, willingness to try new things, ability to love me even when I'm hardly lovable. He is caring, loving, affectionate and always striving to improve.

After my first marriage I wrote a list of requirements should I ever get married again. The list consisted of 20 traits I thought would make up the person I wanted to be with.

I recently re-read that list and am happy to report that Brett is 18 of the 20. He truly is my perfect match. He is what I knew I wanted and needed years before I ever met him.

Not only do I LOVE him, but I appreciate all of who he is and am so grateful that I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

:-)

Carb Conundrum Continued...(this gets personal)

So I made cheeseburgers for dinner last night with homemade buns and big salad on the side. That sounds relatively healthy right? Especially considering what I had eaten earlier in the day. The patty was a quarter pound and the bun was small. The salad consisted of lettuce, spinach, carrots, onion and homemade yogurt blue cheese dressing.

I feel good about what I ate yesterday.

Brett wanted to go get ice cream around 8:30 and I told him no, which was hard. I wasn't hungry and I wasn't craving anything sweet, so passing up on the actual eating of the ice cream wasn't difficult. But just SAYING no, was difficult for a couple of reasons. One of them I just recognized as I was typing this paragraph.

So first- it was hard because I'm not his mother. He is a grown man and he doesn't need my permission to eat ice cream. Telling him no made me feel controlling and bitchy. I mean, I knew it was the best decision for both of us, but I'm certainly not his boss. At the same time, it makes me mad that he asked in the first place.

During dinner I expressed to him how I was feeling all day. I told him that we seriously need to CONSISTENTLY make better choices. We do good for a few days but then as soon as we find an excuse to make a bad choice we totally take advantage of it.

We really like the words of Michael Pollan. "Eat Food. Not very much. Mostly Vegetables" He says it's okay to eat junk food as long as you make it yourself. I agree with this...and long as you remember to eat "not very much".

So last night, as I'm mixing up the hamburger bun dough, Brett says, "We having french fries?" and I about lost it. "NO! We're having hamburger buns!"

"What else?"

"Salad"

"That's all?"

"YES!!!"

Little did he know, I had made up a new food rule just minutes prior to this conversation. ONE CARB PER MEAL Makes sense right? So why was he questioning me?!?!?! He should know!

At this point I was fuming, thinking to myself, "Potatoes AND buns! What the hell? I've told him a hundred times! Potatoes are NOT a vegetable!!! Dammit!"

Sitting at the table in silence, we began eating our cheeseburgers and salads when finally I realized...he had no idea that I'd made a new food rule.

"I'm sorry. I'm in a shitty mood...I just--" tears begin forming, "I'm just so frustrated. I want so badly to have a baby. And every time I eat a carb I feel like I'm feel like I'm choosing food over being a mother". I continued "And the other night, when you told David that we're off the wagon because now we're going to adopt, it really upset me. Adoption has always been an option, but it certainly isn't as excuse to abuse our bodies. I would love to have a four year old right now, but I don't want to be a fat mom to any child".

"So I've decided that we should limit our carbs to 1 per meal."

Done.

Back to the ice cream dilemma. Now that he knows the rule. He knows I'm upset that we've "fallen off the wagon", he knows I want a baby, he knows I hate being fat, he knows, he knows, he knows...and yet he still asks, "you wanna go get some ice cream?" AHHHHHHHH!!!

Like I said, avoiding the temptation wasn't hard since I was satisfied from dinner and not craving anything sweet. But the more I sat there and thought about it, the better the idea sounded. Not because I wanted ice cream, but because I wanted to share that experience with him. Which brings me to the epiphany I had while writing the second paragraph of this blog.

That's what we share...food and bad choices. It's how we spend time together. It's what we do. We love being gluttonous together-- whether is food, laziness or spending money we don't really have. We've talked before about how we enable each other. We are aware that we make bad decisions together. But it wasn't until 15 minutes ago that I realized, it's what actually bonds us. It's like our hobby. And me saying "no ice cream" felt like I was saying, "I don't love you. I don't want to spend time with you."

What the frigg!?