So it's been a while! WARNING: (WAY) TMI to follow...

I have a tendency to write when I'm irritated and not so much when I'm feeling good. I THINK this is healthy. I like to think that writing gets it all out and when I'm feeling good I'm busy being happy. BUT, I don't want this to be a "downer blog" where everyone who reads just feels sorry for me all the time. Of course I have many difficulties and frustrations, but I also have many blessings in my life that I am thankful for every day.

So, okay, enough about that...

What has happened since my last entry? Well, A LOT of good things...minus the continued bleeding. Yes people, we're going on a whopping TWENTY-FIVE-MOTHER-EFFING DAYS! Last weekend was REALLY bad. There were many "blunderwear" casualties, as Brett likes to call them. Many calls from the bathroom..."BRETT!!! Will you please bring me some underwear?" He's a good sport. Never complains, might huff a little, but is sensitive to my frustrations. By the third day I decided to just grab a handful of clean pairs and left them next to the toilet. Took me long enough to figure that one out! DUH!

Nights were spent wearing what I called diapers. Basically three pads one running vertically and two on either end running horizontally. Not comfortable at all, and still hardly effective. Brett slept in the guest room and I slept on a towel. It was awesome. NOT!

We barely left the house, and when we did, we had to stay close to home in case I had an "accident". Pretty ridiculous eh?

By Tuesday it had slowed down enough to feel "normal" again, but it's still hanging on even today. Just enough to be annoying.

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So here's a funny story for you...especially those of you wondering how I had strained my back last week---

Because of all this bleeding, I decided to try a new "period management method". Anyone heard of the Diva cup? Yeah, well if you haven't, it's basically a pliable, funnel shaped, silicone dixie-cup with a "stem" at the bottom. Sound like fun yet?

Well the genius that invented this was obviously very dexterous and fearless of potentially losing plastic utensils in HIS or her vagina.

There are two sizes to choose from. 1 and 2. 1 is for those under 30 who have never had children. 2 is for those over 30 whether you've had children or not- since I'm 32 I paid $40.00 dollars for the #2. Both sizes are actually the same price, but I wanted you to know how much I "invested" in the this little "project".

So, I buy this miracle contraption that fits into my "green" lifestyle which will keep me from adding to the landfill, save me money since this one-time investment will last about two years, AND, I'll only have to "deal" with it every twelve hours or so because that's the nature of the design.

Excited to try it out, I get home from the store. The specialty store I might add. The specialty store that's about 30 miles away and rush into the bathroom thinking this is going to make my life SOOOOO much easier!

Boy was I wrong. I know I could just leave it at this and that you could fill in the blanks, but I want to be sure you truly understand what I went through. It goes a bit like this...

I told you it was pliable right? Yeah, well, not really! Especially since in order to insert it you have to fold it in half, TWICE! Are you following me here?

The directions, (almost) verbatim:

Step 1: Fold- press the sides of the cup together and fold it in half again forming a tight U.

Step 2: With one hand, hold the sides firmly together with you thumb on one side and your *four (4) fingers on the other side just below the top ridge of the cup.

*I guess if you're missing fingers you're SOL

Step 3: Take a comfortable position, with your free hand...(blah, blah you get the idea)

WARNING: DO NOT push the stem further than 1/2 inch into the vagina. (who the hell knows how far that is??) Inserting the Diva Cup too high may cause leaks. Over insertion may also make removal more difficult. (or impossible!)

Step 4: You ready for this one? This is my favorite...

Step 4: IMPORTANT: Finally, in order to the create the seal with the vaginal muscle, grip the base of the cup (not the stem) and turn the cup one full rotation (360 degrees) in either direction.

It goes on, but that's the gist of it. You got it? Think you can do it?

I just realized that the directions on their website make it sound much simpler. I'm pretty sure they do that for a reason. The old bait and switch...vag style!

Here I am, sitting on the toilet, one leg up on the side of the bathtub, trying to shove this thing up in me.

I'm here to tell you, there is nothing "Diva" about this cup! It requires, strong, nimble, fingers; flexibility; a strong will to stick a plastic mug all up in your business and absolute confidence in your ability to yank it back out...later.

After twenty minutes of folding and shoving, folding and shoving, folding, folding and folding again, and eventual success with insertion, I put my foot back on the floor and attempted to sit upright only to find that my back had seized up during this process. It hurt so bad it took my breath away. Can we say, AWESOME! Again? Oh hell yeah!

I left it in for a couple of hours. As long as I was sitting I couldn't feel it, but walking was quite uncomfortable. The cup isn't any bigger than other "things" that regularly go up in there (I know TMI, but I have to defend Brett here!) however, husbands don't feel like bendy dixie cups and don't require FOLDING. Nor do they have to be removed by pulling on what becomes a very slippery plastic tab.

Luckily removal only took about three minutes and although the aching back made it feel like an eternity, I had done it! I had successfully used the Diva Cup. After which I quickly washed it out, placed it in it's cute little Diva pouch, and threw it in the back of the cupboard where it will sit until after I give birth and can work up the never to try again. (highly unlikely)

There goes $40.00...I'm sticking to pads and tampons.

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So on to other things. My Stacey, knowing I struggle with organization and keeping a clean house, recommended a book to me called "Sink Reflections". I picked it up at the Library last week and am LOVING it! I'm not following it to a "T", but it is giving me direction and a feeling of empowerment to gain and maintain control of my home. One of the best lines in the book is, "you can't organize clutter". SO TRUE! I never thought about it, but it's true. That's what I've been trying to do: organize all the crap in my life instead of just purging it.

I am now working to surround myself with only the things I either: use, love or to which I have a personal connection. This means, clothes that I no longer wear are gone, even IF they still have the tags on them. The two extra knife blocks that were cluttering the kitchen because I MIGHT need them are gone and the "bar" where we stored our liquor has been replaced with a pretty lamp, a candle and a plant. Of course I didn't get rid of the alcohol, but I found a home for it-- in the cupboard where the dead blender than I "might be able to fix" once lived. The bottles always bugged me seeing them there on the sideboard in the dining room. I thought it looked trashy, but now it's gone and every time I walk in that room I just see pretty things which makes me super happy!

Additionally, last week we ate EVERY meal at home. I think that's a first for us. In fact I KNOW it is. We've tried in the past, but something has always come up, whether a legitimate reason or a lame excuse, we've never made it an ENTIRE week of just eating at home and I have to admit, it feels REALLY GOOD!!

This weekend we got so much done outside. The beautiful weather helped of course, but it was amazing to come inside after a long day's work, put dinner in the oven, take a hot shower and just relax feeling a sense of accomplishment and no guilt!

It's so easy to be self destructive yet even EASIER to NOT be?? The lazy, apathetic and self-loathing snowball grows so quickly that it's hard to make it stop but all it takes is a little sunshine to melt it all away allowing for motivation, accomplishments and JOY! Hooray for spring! Literally and figuratively.

Okay, I think I've written enough for today and even though I feel like I could go on and on and on I will end here for now.

oh, one more thing...

Brett is back to working in the office four days a week, and I'm thinking that's going to be his excuse for not getting his sperm checked. He's "cute" like that. :D

But also, while I'm at it, I should take a minute to brag on him a bit even though what I really want right now is a nap--

My husband is truly incredible. As I mentioned in my last post...all of like five minutes ago- he's lost 25lbs! And even though I really want to hate him for it, I just can't. I'm so happy for him! I want to say I'm proud of him because I have a problem with that word. I don't think I have the right to be proud of other people. Pride is something you take in the things YOU do. I will be proud of my children, but I can't be proud of my husband. He's the one making the choices. He is CHOOSING hard boiled eggs and cottage cheese over fast food and chips. He is CHOOSING to be more active; to go places and do things rather than veg on the couch.

He's pretty awesome, in every sense of the word. I am in awe of his patience, passion, compassion, willingness to try new things, ability to love me even when I'm hardly lovable. He is caring, loving, affectionate and always striving to improve.

After my first marriage I wrote a list of requirements should I ever get married again. The list consisted of 20 traits I thought would make up the person I wanted to be with.

I recently re-read that list and am happy to report that Brett is 18 of the 20. He truly is my perfect match. He is what I knew I wanted and needed years before I ever met him.

Not only do I LOVE him, but I appreciate all of who he is and am so grateful that I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

:-)

Carb Conundrum Continued...(this gets personal)

So I made cheeseburgers for dinner last night with homemade buns and big salad on the side. That sounds relatively healthy right? Especially considering what I had eaten earlier in the day. The patty was a quarter pound and the bun was small. The salad consisted of lettuce, spinach, carrots, onion and homemade yogurt blue cheese dressing.

I feel good about what I ate yesterday.

Brett wanted to go get ice cream around 8:30 and I told him no, which was hard. I wasn't hungry and I wasn't craving anything sweet, so passing up on the actual eating of the ice cream wasn't difficult. But just SAYING no, was difficult for a couple of reasons. One of them I just recognized as I was typing this paragraph.

So first- it was hard because I'm not his mother. He is a grown man and he doesn't need my permission to eat ice cream. Telling him no made me feel controlling and bitchy. I mean, I knew it was the best decision for both of us, but I'm certainly not his boss. At the same time, it makes me mad that he asked in the first place.

During dinner I expressed to him how I was feeling all day. I told him that we seriously need to CONSISTENTLY make better choices. We do good for a few days but then as soon as we find an excuse to make a bad choice we totally take advantage of it.

We really like the words of Michael Pollan. "Eat Food. Not very much. Mostly Vegetables" He says it's okay to eat junk food as long as you make it yourself. I agree with this...and long as you remember to eat "not very much".

So last night, as I'm mixing up the hamburger bun dough, Brett says, "We having french fries?" and I about lost it. "NO! We're having hamburger buns!"

"What else?"

"Salad"

"That's all?"

"YES!!!"

Little did he know, I had made up a new food rule just minutes prior to this conversation. ONE CARB PER MEAL Makes sense right? So why was he questioning me?!?!?! He should know!

At this point I was fuming, thinking to myself, "Potatoes AND buns! What the hell? I've told him a hundred times! Potatoes are NOT a vegetable!!! Dammit!"

Sitting at the table in silence, we began eating our cheeseburgers and salads when finally I realized...he had no idea that I'd made a new food rule.

"I'm sorry. I'm in a shitty mood...I just--" tears begin forming, "I'm just so frustrated. I want so badly to have a baby. And every time I eat a carb I feel like I'm feel like I'm choosing food over being a mother". I continued "And the other night, when you told David that we're off the wagon because now we're going to adopt, it really upset me. Adoption has always been an option, but it certainly isn't as excuse to abuse our bodies. I would love to have a four year old right now, but I don't want to be a fat mom to any child".

"So I've decided that we should limit our carbs to 1 per meal."

Done.

Back to the ice cream dilemma. Now that he knows the rule. He knows I'm upset that we've "fallen off the wagon", he knows I want a baby, he knows I hate being fat, he knows, he knows, he knows...and yet he still asks, "you wanna go get some ice cream?" AHHHHHHHH!!!

Like I said, avoiding the temptation wasn't hard since I was satisfied from dinner and not craving anything sweet. But the more I sat there and thought about it, the better the idea sounded. Not because I wanted ice cream, but because I wanted to share that experience with him. Which brings me to the epiphany I had while writing the second paragraph of this blog.

That's what we share...food and bad choices. It's how we spend time together. It's what we do. We love being gluttonous together-- whether is food, laziness or spending money we don't really have. We've talked before about how we enable each other. We are aware that we make bad decisions together. But it wasn't until 15 minutes ago that I realized, it's what actually bonds us. It's like our hobby. And me saying "no ice cream" felt like I was saying, "I don't love you. I don't want to spend time with you."

What the frigg!?