Then and Now...

Because I'm sure you're just dying to know...


So far I've lost NINETY (90) POUNDS! NINETY FREAKING POUNDS!  ...I still want to lose about 70 more, but I'm feeling pretty damned good.  Life is so much easier when you're no longer carrying around three 30lbs bags of dog food everywhere you go.  I don't know how I did it.  I love being able to climb several flights of stairs without getting winded, being able to put on and tie my shoes like a "normal person" sitting in a chair!  I love being able to cross my legs, sit on the floor, fit in those stupid white resin patio chairs!  I love not having to worry about whether or not I'm going to fit in a booth or get up on a bar stool.  I'm still quite overweight and have a ways to go but every day I'm grateful for the accomplishments I've made and look forward to what's in store for my future!

Then

Now - 7.5 Months Post Op

Carowinds Update

So what else has happened in recent months?  Well after the mud run I went to beautiful West Virginia with my bff Stacey and her family.  I've gone with them several times and every time I've been on some diet or another.

The first time I went Stacey and I were doing our own version of a reboot which was mildly successful.  I lost 6lbs during the entire month that we did this.  Six whole pounds!  The second time we went I was doing the HCG diet.  I had lost 11lbs the two weeks prior to our trip and gained 8lbs during the week we were there.  Then last year I was attempting gluten free...but the food there is always so good!  Her mom's baked squashed is out of this world and flour isn't optional!

My point is, this was the first time I spent a week there without stressing over what I was going to eat or more importantly, not eat!  It was so freeing!  Having this surgery is seriously the best decision I've ever made.  I do track what I eat and I am careful about my choices, but I no longer feel out of control when it comes to eating.  I'm able to enjoy food for what it is and appreciate it rather than just consume it.  90% of the time I make good choices and 10% of the time I splurge.  I feel the way I always imagined naturally thin people must feel.  Even though I'm not thin and might never be considered thin, I FEEL normal and that's a good feeling!

It was also great to feel like I could keep up with everyone else, fit comfortably on/in furniture that wasn't made for large people and not constantly feel self-conscious from the moment I got out of bed until it was time to sleep again.  So fun!

On to the title of this blog...Carowinds!  I did it!  I WENT TO CAROWINDS!  I RODE A FREAKING ROLLER COASTER!  Actually I rode several roller coasters and water park rides!  I was supposed to go on a girls trip to the beach but it didn't work out so we spent a day at Carowinds instead.  The night before we went I couldn't sleep; I was so excited, like a kid going to Disneyland.  I was up bright and early and kept watching the clock so I could leave.  There were two roller coasters that I wasn't able to ride due to the size of my ass, but there were several others that I was able to ride and ride, I did!  I had such a blast.  My friends were laughing at me because I was so excited.  I was laughing at me too.

So Carowinds and Mud Run are two milestones that I wanted to accomplish on my weightloss journey.  The next one comes September 8th when I will be spending a day with a group of friends at the National Whitewater Center, white water rafting, kayaking, zip lining and ropes coursing.  I CAN NOT WAIT!

I'll post some pictures soon!  Promise.

Best Decision I've Ever Made

I'm such a slacker!  I know.  I'm sorry.  I've got so many projects going (more like ideas processing) that I can't seem to hone in on one long enough to actually complete any of them...including this blog, or at least a blog entry!

Anyway, my last entry was basically about the anxiety I was feeling over the impending Mud Run which was to take place a week later.  All I can say about that is, "I'm a dork."  The mud run was a BLAST!

Mel and Me at the Starting Line

Brett wasn't able to see the whole course from the spectator's area, but he was able to capture the most important part...getting muddy!

And the best part was that I finished!  I walked a lot of it, if not most but completing it was the best feeling, ever! 

Mel and I were covered from head to toe.  It took me a week to get the mud stains off of my skin.  My finger and toe nails looked like I had a wicked Cheetos addiction.  

I can't wait to do it again!

A Mud What?!

It's been almost 4 months since my last blog post.  This MIGHT be the longest I've ever gone.  For all of you who have been waiting with baited breath, I'm sorry.  I've thought about writing a couple of times but then I've thought, "what would I even write about?"  Things have really been very...boring for the past several months.  Okay, maybe "boring" isn't the right word, but I can't really think of anything super exciting that was blog-worthy.  Yes, I've been losing weight and yes, I'm feeling like a whole new person but day-to-day life has been just that!

So here's a quick summary of the past four months:  I've lost 70lbs total since December 1 and have been averaging about 10lbs a month for the last 3 or 4 months.  When I look at the big number I'm pleased, I realize that 70lbs is a LOT of weight but 10lbs per month does not seem like much considering I had my guts re-routed.  I don't let this get me down but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a tad bit disappointing.

Over the past four months I've gone to the beach three times (not bad!), seen a couple of plays, had a few girls' nights out and started working out regularly (sometimes).

I still struggle with exercise.  I'll do good for a few weeks but then something comes up like a vacation or illness or a change in my routine and I have a REALLY hard time getting back into the swing of things.  I had started the Couch to 5k running program, got through the first week, decided to do the first week again on the second week because I didn't feel ready to move on and then we went on vacation-- haven't been back since.  I know that I need to exercise- no need for lectures.  There's nothing anyone can say that will get my ass to the gym, I will do it...I WILL!  I actually got up early this morning, got dressed, put on my shoes, got in the car, drove down the street towards the gym and then turned around and came home.  Why?  Because it was raining, of course!  I know that sounds like a ridiculous excuse but in my defense it wasn't just raining it was a torrential downpour and the walk from the car to the door of the gym is kinda far if you're walking through a solid sheet of water.  Yes, I realize I could have taken an umbrella, I don't need you to point out what I could have or should have done differently, I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself...I promise!  :-D  I will exercise today, no two ways about it.  I have water aerobics tonight, which I won't miss, although it may be cancelled due to this weather.  However, I WILL go for a walk/run TODAY in my neighborhood.  Seriously!

Okay, enough of that.  Now what's the real purpose of this blog entry?  Well I'm going to do my FIRST mud run NEXT WEEKEND!  (see I can't NOT go for a walk/run through my neighborhood today!)  If you know me personally, or if you've been reading my blog for a while you probably already know how badly I've wanted to do a mud run for a LONG time.  I had hoped to be able to do the Warrior Dash in May, but I wasn't ready.  Hell!  I'm not even sure that I'm ready for this race, but I AM ready to have fun and this one, I believe, is less of a competition more of an excuse to get dirty.

I had pretty much resigned myself to waiting until the fall to do my first but then...Living Social came a-knockin on my email door and I couldn't refuse.  Well, actually I could, but I didn't want to. I saw the email, first-thing when I checked my email yesterday morning on my phone.  I didn't delete it because I wanted to look at it on my computer so I could really investigate.  When I got to my computer about an hour later, there was an email from my friend Melinda that was a forward of the Living Social deal with the words, "Let's do this!!!!! What do you say?"  I mean really, how do you say "no" to that?!  HA!

I hemmed and hawed and freaked out and looked at the race website over and over again.  I surveyed some friends and asked for advice on the Spartan Chick Facebook page and everyone said I should do it.  I didn't really expect them to say anything different.  If I did, I probably wouldn't have asked and if I didn't actually want to do it I wouldn't have even mentioned it but I still needed a good freak out session.

Every time I thought about it, which was pretty much every 10 seconds from about 7:30am until 12:00pm, I got all emotional.  Fear, excitement, joy, fear, fear, fear.  Did I mention fear?  I was fearful that I wouldn't be able to do it, fearful that people would stare or judge or just flat out wonder why I was there but mostly I was fearful of myself. I don't like to suck at things, I'm assuming no one does, but I will rarely try something unless I KNOW I'm going to be good at it.  You may have heard me say before, "I don't want to learn things, I just want to know them."  The same goes for this.  I don't want to "try" it I just want to "do" it, followed up with a loud, "but I don't want to fail!"  Which brings us to the hours of hemming and hawing.  There were many words of encouragement from others but ultimately I had to encourage myself so I decided that I was being silly.  That I should just go and have fun and get dirty and hang with my girl, Melinda.  I have no doubt that we will laugh our asses off the majority of the time and the after-look will make for a great photo-op!

I won't say that I'm not nervous anymore because that would be a lie.  The course is 3.1 miles...did I mention that yet?  No, I don't think I did.  Yeah...THREE POINT ONE MILES!  Enough said!  But knowing that six months ago this was only a dream and that today or at least next week it will be a reality is pretty mother effing THRILLING!  Even if I'm unable to complete all the obstacles and even if I walk the entire thing, I will have accomplished my MAJOR weightloss goal and will only be able to improve from there!

For your viewing pleasure...

How did you get so fat?

Before I had this surgery, I had to go through a fairly comprehensive psychological evaluation that consisted of an interview as well as 600+ questions on a computer and written test. I have no idea what I scored, I just know that the psychologist approved me for surgery. So my guess is that I'm pretty sane...

There are many reasons that people get fat or have a weight problem- one way or the other. For many it IS an eating disorder; for others...I don't know. I can only speak for myself.

I have just about every reason in the world to have an eating disorder diagnosis- broken home, abusive parent, absent father, virtually no stability (moved 20+ times before I turned 18, went to 14 different schools, the list goes on), my mom is overweight as is most of my family- food equals love. But I feel like somehow, that's not my problem. I really do not believe that I have an eating disorder. I think that I LOVE food, good food and bad food and that I have (had) bad habits- but I do not believe that I have a bad "relationship" with food- which is essentially what an eating disorder boils down to, right? Of course I've made many, MANY bad choices, but those choices weren't a product of a disorder.

Prior to surgery I had been told that I might be angry or depressed because I wouldn't be able to eat like I used to- I was fully prepared to feel that way. I even warned Brett that I might get mean or exceptionally moody or...who knows what. But I haven't. Not at all. I haven't missed any foods or felt deprived or angry that I couldn't eat. In fact, I'm happy to not be able to eat! It feels incredible to have that habit broken and I'm enjoying other things instead.

So how did I get to the point of being so big that I needed surgery? (I don't THINK I've written a blog about this yet, but if I did, here it is again- probably in much more detail)

It was a combination of things- learned habits, bad hormones and the snowball effect.

So first of all, I've always been heavy- at least since the second grade. How did that happen? Genetics? Learned behaviors? YES! What's different here is that although I was always the fat kid I didn't let it stop me- it didn't stop be from being active, it didn't stop me from playing sports, trying out for cheer leading, performing or eating. Sure, there were a few times I remember being unsatisfied with my body and wanting to try a diet but it never lasted. I guess that's a good thing? My family was aware of my "weight problem", they made comments, but it was never a BIG deal- they never forced me to go on diets or exercise or...in fact it was kind of the opposite, but I don't feel like going into that much detail right this second, mostly because I'm lazy AND I don't want to get sidetracked (shoot, it's already happening!) Okay- so...I think that BECAUSE they didn't make a huge deal of my weight, I never felt like I wasn't good enough or that food was my enemy or, I don't know, any number of things that lead to eating disorders. I guess I was lucky in that way. But ss I got older, the childhood habits and weight snowballed.

There were times when I lost weight, three that I can remember. The first was in 1999 when I was living in Los Angeles and doing Pirates Penzance, dancing four hours a day, five days a week and eating protein bars for dinner (Howard Stern said they were good- he was wrong, but I ate them anyway). I lost about 20lbs during the 8 weeks of rehearsal plus the 6 week run of five show weekends. I was already "overweight" when I was cast- about 250lbs, so I got down to about 230 by the end of the run. The second time was 2001 when I took metabolife (I LOVED that stuff!) and went from a desk job to being a preschool teacher- I lost 20lbs in one month and went from 290lbs to 270lbs. The third and final time was 2003 when I played Psuedolous in "A Funny Thing Happened...Forum"- again rehearsals five nights a weeks, blah, blah, blah. I lost another 20lbs over the course of a few months and by the end weighed about 260lbs. I just tried to find a picture of what I looked like back then but I don't know where any are- if I even have any. My point is, that unless I was losing, I was gaining. And even though those numbers seem like an insane about of weight to most people, they were just numbers to me. That was just who I was, who I've always been. Those numbers didn't stop me from dating or going out dancing or being active- they were just the number that appeared when I stepped on the scale.

It wasn't until the last few years that the weight started to bother me- age, I guess. It was around the time I turned 30. My joints started hurting and I just felt lethargic all the time. I'm sure that also had/has something to do with an extremely sedentary lifestyle. About a year prior to turning 30 I started working from home (the same job I have now) and would go days without leaving the house because there was no where I HAD to be- it was one of my new "bad habits". A habit I'm still fighinting which I'm planning to break starting Monday (more on that later). So, I continued to eat like I always had with practically ZERO activity, other than going from room to room in my house. As my body hurt worse, I stopped doing the things I used to do for fun, like dance, hike, theater, etc.-- the weight kept piling on and I felt more and more miserable.

I know many people who read this will thinking to themselves, "but HOW? how do you get to be SO big?" The answer is: I never saw it coming. I just went about my daily business and the weight creeped on, pound by pound. You see, when you've always been overweight, a little extra is really no big deal- the fat is almost invisible. It's not like when you're thin and you see every pound you put on. Think about it. If you start out with one cotton ball and add two more, you see a huge difference, right? It's those cotton balls have increase by 200%, but when you have 50 cotton balls and you add one or even 3 or 4 or FIVE, you'll barely see a change- that's kind of getting fat works. I have no idea why cotton balls popped into my head, but regardless of what the item is, the more you start with the less you notice when more is added. Yeah?

So that's that. It was a slow process, one that took a good 30 years to complete and one that is currently being dismantled, pound by mother effing pound.

It terrifies me to think that I could have gotten worse and probably would have if I hadn't taken control of the situation. I had just accepted my life the way it was- accepted the fact that I would always be fat and that was it, that was my destiny- not because of an eating disorder but because my 127lbs 11year old self had snowballed into my 300+ pound 34 year old self. The End.

The countdown begins

My surgery is in exactly 17 days and I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

I started my liquid diet today, something I've been dreading for months but now that today is here I'm pretty okay with it. I'm actually not supposed to start until Monday but I decided to start today. I gained five pounds over the past month (might have had something to do with Thanksgiving and/or my period- who knows) that I need to be sure to lose before the surgery so I figured I might as well get a head-start.

It's funny...I thought that I would totally freak out having to give up food during this time but instead I'm finding myself excited about it. For the first time in my life I feel not just hopeful that I will lose weight, but confident that it will happen. There have been countless times in my life that I've tried to diet but other than a few pounds at the beginning I've never had much success. The lack of success led to feeling like a failure which quickly led to giving up and feeling even more like a failure, especially since giving up meant gaining back the weight that I had lost plus more.

My body is a mess. I have been significantly overweight for as long as I can remember. When people (doctors included) ask me what my goal weight is I tell them I have no idea. It's true, I really don't. Based on BMI standards I should weigh between 105 and 135lbs. The problem is, I haven't weight 135 since I was 11 years old! Do you think you could ever weigh what you weighed in grade school?! NO! So the thought of having an "appropriate BMI" seems pretty fricken impossible.

When I think back to a time that I was a "healthy weight", when I was super active (and the same height I am now) I think about 1990, when I was almost 14 and weighed 165lbs. I was still "big", still the "fat kid" (compared to others my age), but I was doing gymnastics five days a week and probably in the best shape of my life. I still had a dimple of cellulite on my upper left thigh but I was otherwise pretty toned or as toned as I could be. (My mom would always tell me my butt was so hard!) So I've decided that my ultimate weight goal is 165lbs, I don't know if it's actually attainable- like I said, I was 14 years old the last time I weighed that much, but I'm definitely going to give it a try. However, instead of stressing myself out over a number on the scale, my main focus is fitness. There are so many things I want to be able to do, one of them is a Mud Run- a 3 mile obstacle course...IN THE MUD! There's one in May 2012 which I think would be AWESOME, but since I have no idea how much weight I will have lost by then or more importantly what kind of shape I'll be in, it might be a little far fetched. I think I'll know better come February whether or not that goal is reasonable. Is it February yet?!

I had a little melt down on Monday. I have been seeing a therapist in anticipation of the surgery as well as other issues I'm trying to work through (ADD for one) and she told me during our visit on Monday that if I was going to be successful at losing weight I was going to need to be regimented. Anyone who knows me, knows that regiment is a like four letter word in my book. It's probably what I need most in my life (especially for the ADD) but it's EXTREMELY difficult for me to fathom and even more so, to implement. Grr! So armed with this bit of information I came home feeling like I was going to fail. There was no doubt in my mind. I mean, I had already been worried about it. For the past several weeks I'd been worrying that I was going to fail, that I'd be the 3% (or whatever the number is) that the surgery doesn't work for and that'd be it. It'd be one more failed diet to add to my list of failures. I was feeling depressed and stressed to the max, then when she told me that I'd have to be regimented it was like one more nail in the failure-coffin. So I cried...a lot. Brett was such a trooper, he listened, tried to be reassuring and of course laughed at me a little because well, that's what he does. I laughed a little at myself too. I knew I was being ridiculous but I couldn't help it. There's a LOT of pressure involved with all of this. Expectations for something that there's no way of knowing what to expect. (I DO NOT LIKE NOT KNOWING WHAT TO EXPECT!)

I finally decided to call my friend Kayce who had the surgery last year and she was able to talk me down. She has had INSANE results that I had chalked up to being "luck" but when she told me how hard she's worked, how she's stuck to the diet and exercised regularly I realized "duh! I can do that too!" I hadn't realized just how dumb I was being about the whole situation. I mean, I KNEW that it was going to be "hard", that's what everyone tells you, but I just thought they meant it was going to be hard to eat (or not to eat), not that the process was going to be hard work! Yes, I know how dumb that sounds and no, I did not think that it was going to be easy, I just didn't...I don't know, I just thought it was going to come down to luck.

Anyway, something clicked and I'm feeling so much better. For whatever reason, I have a tendency to make things more difficult that they need to be. Like, I am almost literally the one who goes around my ass to get to my elbow with everything in life, but once something clicks I'm brilliant. So watch out! My brilliance is about to SHINE, BIG TIME!

As for being regimented, I'm not going to stress too much about that. It will be fine. I'll get my protein in everyday and limit my carbs everyday and I'll exercise (when I'm feeling better) and I will be successful!

The weight I lose today and the next day and the next day will be the last time I EVER see those pounds AGAIN! And that my friends is the best feeling in the world!

Goings on as of Late...

Well, I'm less than five weeks from the day of my surgery (December 19th) and less than three weeks from the first day of the two-week-long dreaded liquid diet!

This whole surgery thing has sparked an array of emotions that I hadn't really expected. When I first decided that surgery was my best (only) option I felt at peace. It had been a long time coming. Something that had been mentioned to me by others but something that I wouldn't even consider because I didn't want to put off getting pregnant in order to have the surgery. Once we decided we didn't want to have kids that excuse no longer existed so I was free to do whatever I wanted.

At my initial surgical consult, I learned that I was going to have to do a three month doctor supervised weightloss plan but I wasn't going to be able to see the doctor for over a month from the day of the consult. So even though I had made the decision in May, had gone to the seminar in late May, had the consult the first of June...it was going be July 14th before I'd be able to start the required "plan"-- it seemed like an eternity.

Come September, we found out that our insurance was going to change as of January 1st and I started to freak out a little. I'd already done everything except my last follow-up visit and I was ready! So ready to get the surgery DONE! And I started worrying that the insurance company wasn't going to cover it. No Bueno!

I knew there was nothing I could do other than wait and be patient but that wasn't easy.

On October 14th, I went for my last follow up appointment. The doctor signed off on everything so that it could be sent off to the insurance company. While checking out, the clerk told me that they would send everything over to the insurance company the next day and that my insurance company usually take about six weeks to get an authorization so I could expect my surgery to be around the first of the year. WHAT?! NO! I explained to her that my insurance was going to change and that I really needed to get it done before the first of the year so she called the lady in the office who handles the insurance stuff and left her a message to call me.

That was a Tuesday. She didn't call. So Thursday I called her and explained the situation. She said that she was sending everything over that day and I'd probably hear something within 3-4 weeks. Grrrrr!

Not an hour went by that I didn't think about my surgery. Wondering if it was going to happen, knowing that it was completely out of my hands. It was up to someone who had never met me to decide if my surgery would be paid for and since it wasn't something I could afford out of pocket I felt like my future was in that person's hands.

For the past several months, ever since I'd decided to have the surgery, I felt like a whole new world had been opened up for me or at least WILL be opened up for me next year. As long as I can remember I've been living for, next year. I've been on a diet, trying to lose weight for all of my adult life, saying to myself "next year I'm going to go kayaking." "Next year, I'm going to ride the roller coasters and Carrowinds" "Next year I'll be able to buy that dress" "Next year...." I've been living for next year for 15+ years! And now, FINALLY NEXT YEAR WILL COME! Hooray for surgery! If it get's approved. Crap,what if it doesn't get approved? Then what? And what have I been doing for the past 15 years? How much of my life, the best time of most people's lives, have I wasted? I mean, I haven't just sat around and done nothing but there have certainly been MAJOR things that I have put off doing for as long as I can remember. And always living for "next year?" Yeah, that blows.

So I spent most of September and October feeling sorry for myself, realizing just how much of my life I've wasted. I'm still not over it but I am feeling more optimistic-- sort of.

I ended up get the authorization on Tuesday, October 25th. Just four working days after the paperwork had been submitted. HOLY COW! That's like record time! I was elated! It felt like I had just been cast as Mrs. Lovett in Sweeny Todd. A goal that I had set out to accomplish had been attained! I did it! It's really going to happen!

All day Tuesday I was beaming! As well as most of Wednesday, part of Thursday, some of Friday...by the follow Monday I was only barely beaming. As of today, I'm mostly beaming but the reality had certainly set in.

I'm not really scare of dying- the likelihood of that is extremely slim, however, it is major surgery and of course that risk is there. The way I see it, I'm barely living so that small risk is one I'm willing to take. Besides, if I do die, I'll be dead, I won't even know or care, it's my friends and family that I worry about. But only a little, because I'm not planning on dying. Moving on. What the realization/fear that has really set in is- failing. I've failed at so many diets and so many attempted lifestyle changes. I have so many learned bad habits and issues with food and since I've never been much of a self motivator, how will I do this on my own? How will I be successful? Growing up, I was never taught to expect to succeed. I was taught to expect to fail. Of course I was never told, "you're going to fail" but I always had hear the words of "the devil's advocate". Apparently my family has a direct line to Satan. This is not a bash against my family, this is a realization of the affects of negative thinking even though they meant well.

So now I'm working to try to over come these fears. I'm seeing a psychologist who is helping me to work through this stuff. She is taking a logical route. Telling me I should make a plan, set a schedule and get regimented. Until this very moment (literally just had an epiphany) I was fighting her tooth and nail. But she's right. For whatever reason, emotional problem solving is not my forte. At least not solving my OWN emotional problems. Instead of searching for solutions I search for answers. (Mom, I know you're reading this...you do the same thing!) The fact of the matter is, that it doesn't matter WHY I eat or WHY I do much of anything, instead it's a matter of HOW to fix it.

I suddenly feel better. Deep breath.

I'm sure I will have more ups and downs before December 19th but I'm going to try to focus on solving the problem with real, tangible tactics rather than looking for some answer to make it all make sense.

The End.

Mortality

I recently realized that my sense of mortality is holding me back. Not so much the dying part, but the aging part. I just turned 34 and leading up to this birthday, for the last few years in fact, I've been feeling like my life was almost over. I think a lot of it has to do with my weight and constantly feeling sluggish and unable to do the things I actually want to do but I'm also acutely aware of my mom at 40.

Leading up to my mom's 40th birthday she became temporarily disabled and temporarily bed ridden because of her back. My memory is foggy because I was young when it happened, but I do know that from there things got worse, more permanent. I don't remember how long she was laid-up, might have been three days, might have been a week, might have been longer. But I do know that she was in a lot of pain and that pain led to more pain which eventually ended up requiring spinal surgery and two knee replacements-- she has been on permanent disability ever since.

These days she gets around just fine, but she can't work long hours and still has certain limitations. I have never seen my mom run or jump. I have never seen her hike or kayak or canoe or swim in a lake, river or ocean-- I don't know if I've ever seen my mom sit on her knees. This has completely warped my sense of age and ability.

My mom has been overweight for as long as I've known her, she's been lighter than she is now and she's also been a lot heavier too. This is my normal. This is what I've always expected for myself. I thought being thin and fit and active was for others and I have always been jealous of that.

But not anymore. I WILL learn to live my life the way I want to live it. YES I WILL!

I have one more doctor appointment left in order to meet all of the prerequisites for gastric by-pass surgery and I can't wait! As long as the insurance company authorizes it: This will be my last summer wishing I could white water raft, my last fall wanting to go to Carrowinds, my last winter not going snow-tubing. Next year is MINE! I WILL do all of the things that I have been putting off for years because this is the year that I will start living!

I accomplished quite a bit these first 34 years, I can't wait to see what the next 34 bring!