I should also mention...

We started foster parenting classes last week and we're both really excited about the possibilities. So I just want to go on record as saying that this funk is not because my life sucks and I'm feeling sorry for myself, it's because I just feel awful, physically and it's very, very frustrating.

On my way to go buy a kiddie pool. I really think that will make me feel so much better.

Here's the deal...

I'm in a funk. A serious funk. I'll probably (hopefully) be okay in a day or two, but it may be longer. This may be the real thing. A REAL funk not just a bad mood or feeling down for a few days.

I can't remember if I blogged about the cruise. I don't think I did. The first of June Brett and I went on a cruise with my family to the Bahamas. It was really great spending time with my family just hanging out. The problem is that that's all I COULD do. I ended up getting my period the night before we left and it ended up being a real doozie. Like words can't describe the extremes of how bad it was. Suffice it to say that Saturday morning I went to the Lido deck for breakfast, sat down to eat, coughed, realized I needed to rush to the bathroom, stood up and dripped, literally DRIPPED all over the floor-- all while wearing THREE pads, like a diaper. It was bad. I spent the rest of the day in our cabin, moving from the bed to the shower every half hour. Needless to say it was quite miserable.

My mom and Gramma witness this episode and made me promise I would go to the doctor. As soon as we got to the mainland I called the doctor's office and made an appointment for the next day.

She ran all the typical blood work plus a full thyroid panel, hormone levels and some deficiencies including vitamin D and Iron plus she tested my sedimentation rate which check for inflammation. This test can determine whether you need to be tested further for things like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, cancer, etc.

Now don't get too worried. As far as I know I don't have a life threatening disease. Even though that "scary" test came back positive for inflammation, I also tested positive for anemia which according to the research I did makes the former, null and void so I'm not rushing off to the rheumatologist just yet. I've been taking the prescribed iron supplements twice a day as directed and plan to get retested this week to see if my sed rate is better.

So where does the funk come from? Well it comes from extreme exhaustion. Like ridiculously extreme exhaustion. It's almost like the mono is back...maybe it never left. But this is a little different, plus I had felt completely fine for half of April and all of May. So I'm giving the credit to the anemia. This exhaustion is full body, including the mind and the mind is the most aggravating part. I constantly feel like I'm 10 seconds behind everything that's going on around me. I feel like my personality is gone, my sense of humor is missing and my funny has escaped. On top of this I feel the need for sunlight but it's too damned hot to be outside. Not to mention that whole exhaustion thing again which requires me to fight to stay awake.

I'm so effin sick of looking at the television. My ears feel like they're going to bleed if I have to listen to one more TV show. All I want to do is cry. I want to leave my house, go DO SOMETHING, but I can't think of anything to do that meets my needs and limitations.

I have this inexplicable urge to be at the beach- to lay on the beach and soak up the warm sun surrounded by fresh salty air, the crashing of the waves becoming white noise in the background and the water just feet away. But that's not an option this weekend.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I'm going CRAZY!!!

I think I might go buy a kiddie pool and set it up in the backyard tomorrow.

Coming Clean

Yeah, I know, it's been close to forever since I last posted. I had good intentions but life got in the way. First it was the Mono, then it was travel then it was...forgotten about, then...put off, and off some more and off a little longer.

So what's been going on for the last few months? Well other than THE MONO incident, a trip to Gatlinburg, camping with friends at the lake and going to the beach with family-- not a whole heck of a lot. Oh wait, there was something else...we tried a round of clomid a few weeks back.

WHAT?! CLOMID? You mean you took it and didn't tell anyone?!?!?!

Yes, yes I did and it was miserable. I felt fine- hormonally and physically. I never experienced any side effects. That could be because it didn't work, but it could also be that I am just lucky. Lucky enough to not experience hot flashes, mood swings, headaches, etc. Did I mention it didn't work? Yeah, that's probably why.

Although I thought maybe it was working at the time, it turns out, according the blood tests that my progesterone levels did not indicate ovulation.

The funny thing is that even if it HAD worked, I still wouldn't have gotten pregnant. You see, there's this really important part of getting pregnant called SEX. That which, I made sure not to have after chickening out about getting pregnant at what was assumed, the last minute. Did you follow that? I think that sentence was kind of confusing. Let me rephrase the whole paragraph.

I took the clomid, on cycle days 5-9. According to the directions we were supposed to start doing, what all the message boards call, "the baby dance", on the 10th day. So the tenth day came and it was time to DO IT. What I thought would be this magical, highly anticipated dance, turned out to be nothing but miserable. The stress of it was so overwhelming that I just wanted to cry. It was awful.

We went camping the next day and when we came home I realized that I just couldn't even try. I was scared. Scared of being fat and pregnant. Actually, scared is not the right word. More like terrified. So I chickened out.

It's weird. I feel like I made the right decision, but at the same time I can't decide if I'm being selfish. I'm not asking for your opinion. I know you all support whatever I do and want me to be happy and healthy, but I just feel kind of...bad.

I know Brett is ready to have a baby. I know I'm ready to have a baby. I know what ever baby is in there is ready to become a baby, but I don't want to go through a pregnancy not even being able to tell that I am carrying a child. I want to be able to feel that baby, I want Brett to be able to feel it too. I want to have external belly ultrasounds, not internal vaginal ones because they can't see through the fat. I want people to be able to identify my pregnant belly. I want to be healthy and I want my child to be healthy. I know fat women get pregnant and have babies all the time, but I'm afraid to be one of them.

When the nurse called to tell me that I hadn't ovulated, she said that she was going to call in a new RX for the higher dose. I haven't picked it up yet. Don't know if or when I will.

For now, Brett and I are going to the gym, trying to eat better (as always) and trying to focus on summer vacations and anything and everything that doesn't involve US having a baby.

One more thing-- I need more than two hands to count how many friends and family members have either had beautiful, healthy babies or found out they were pregnant in the past three months.

Baby fever is hard to avoid.

So it's been a while! WARNING: (WAY) TMI to follow...

I have a tendency to write when I'm irritated and not so much when I'm feeling good. I THINK this is healthy. I like to think that writing gets it all out and when I'm feeling good I'm busy being happy. BUT, I don't want this to be a "downer blog" where everyone who reads just feels sorry for me all the time. Of course I have many difficulties and frustrations, but I also have many blessings in my life that I am thankful for every day.

So, okay, enough about that...

What has happened since my last entry? Well, A LOT of good things...minus the continued bleeding. Yes people, we're going on a whopping TWENTY-FIVE-MOTHER-EFFING DAYS! Last weekend was REALLY bad. There were many "blunderwear" casualties, as Brett likes to call them. Many calls from the bathroom..."BRETT!!! Will you please bring me some underwear?" He's a good sport. Never complains, might huff a little, but is sensitive to my frustrations. By the third day I decided to just grab a handful of clean pairs and left them next to the toilet. Took me long enough to figure that one out! DUH!

Nights were spent wearing what I called diapers. Basically three pads one running vertically and two on either end running horizontally. Not comfortable at all, and still hardly effective. Brett slept in the guest room and I slept on a towel. It was awesome. NOT!

We barely left the house, and when we did, we had to stay close to home in case I had an "accident". Pretty ridiculous eh?

By Tuesday it had slowed down enough to feel "normal" again, but it's still hanging on even today. Just enough to be annoying.

###

So here's a funny story for you...especially those of you wondering how I had strained my back last week---

Because of all this bleeding, I decided to try a new "period management method". Anyone heard of the Diva cup? Yeah, well if you haven't, it's basically a pliable, funnel shaped, silicone dixie-cup with a "stem" at the bottom. Sound like fun yet?

Well the genius that invented this was obviously very dexterous and fearless of potentially losing plastic utensils in HIS or her vagina.

There are two sizes to choose from. 1 and 2. 1 is for those under 30 who have never had children. 2 is for those over 30 whether you've had children or not- since I'm 32 I paid $40.00 dollars for the #2. Both sizes are actually the same price, but I wanted you to know how much I "invested" in the this little "project".

So, I buy this miracle contraption that fits into my "green" lifestyle which will keep me from adding to the landfill, save me money since this one-time investment will last about two years, AND, I'll only have to "deal" with it every twelve hours or so because that's the nature of the design.

Excited to try it out, I get home from the store. The specialty store I might add. The specialty store that's about 30 miles away and rush into the bathroom thinking this is going to make my life SOOOOO much easier!

Boy was I wrong. I know I could just leave it at this and that you could fill in the blanks, but I want to be sure you truly understand what I went through. It goes a bit like this...

I told you it was pliable right? Yeah, well, not really! Especially since in order to insert it you have to fold it in half, TWICE! Are you following me here?

The directions, (almost) verbatim:

Step 1: Fold- press the sides of the cup together and fold it in half again forming a tight U.

Step 2: With one hand, hold the sides firmly together with you thumb on one side and your *four (4) fingers on the other side just below the top ridge of the cup.

*I guess if you're missing fingers you're SOL

Step 3: Take a comfortable position, with your free hand...(blah, blah you get the idea)

WARNING: DO NOT push the stem further than 1/2 inch into the vagina. (who the hell knows how far that is??) Inserting the Diva Cup too high may cause leaks. Over insertion may also make removal more difficult. (or impossible!)

Step 4: You ready for this one? This is my favorite...

Step 4: IMPORTANT: Finally, in order to the create the seal with the vaginal muscle, grip the base of the cup (not the stem) and turn the cup one full rotation (360 degrees) in either direction.

It goes on, but that's the gist of it. You got it? Think you can do it?

I just realized that the directions on their website make it sound much simpler. I'm pretty sure they do that for a reason. The old bait and switch...vag style!

Here I am, sitting on the toilet, one leg up on the side of the bathtub, trying to shove this thing up in me.

I'm here to tell you, there is nothing "Diva" about this cup! It requires, strong, nimble, fingers; flexibility; a strong will to stick a plastic mug all up in your business and absolute confidence in your ability to yank it back out...later.

After twenty minutes of folding and shoving, folding and shoving, folding, folding and folding again, and eventual success with insertion, I put my foot back on the floor and attempted to sit upright only to find that my back had seized up during this process. It hurt so bad it took my breath away. Can we say, AWESOME! Again? Oh hell yeah!

I left it in for a couple of hours. As long as I was sitting I couldn't feel it, but walking was quite uncomfortable. The cup isn't any bigger than other "things" that regularly go up in there (I know TMI, but I have to defend Brett here!) however, husbands don't feel like bendy dixie cups and don't require FOLDING. Nor do they have to be removed by pulling on what becomes a very slippery plastic tab.

Luckily removal only took about three minutes and although the aching back made it feel like an eternity, I had done it! I had successfully used the Diva Cup. After which I quickly washed it out, placed it in it's cute little Diva pouch, and threw it in the back of the cupboard where it will sit until after I give birth and can work up the never to try again. (highly unlikely)

There goes $40.00...I'm sticking to pads and tampons.

###

So on to other things. My Stacey, knowing I struggle with organization and keeping a clean house, recommended a book to me called "Sink Reflections". I picked it up at the Library last week and am LOVING it! I'm not following it to a "T", but it is giving me direction and a feeling of empowerment to gain and maintain control of my home. One of the best lines in the book is, "you can't organize clutter". SO TRUE! I never thought about it, but it's true. That's what I've been trying to do: organize all the crap in my life instead of just purging it.

I am now working to surround myself with only the things I either: use, love or to which I have a personal connection. This means, clothes that I no longer wear are gone, even IF they still have the tags on them. The two extra knife blocks that were cluttering the kitchen because I MIGHT need them are gone and the "bar" where we stored our liquor has been replaced with a pretty lamp, a candle and a plant. Of course I didn't get rid of the alcohol, but I found a home for it-- in the cupboard where the dead blender than I "might be able to fix" once lived. The bottles always bugged me seeing them there on the sideboard in the dining room. I thought it looked trashy, but now it's gone and every time I walk in that room I just see pretty things which makes me super happy!

Additionally, last week we ate EVERY meal at home. I think that's a first for us. In fact I KNOW it is. We've tried in the past, but something has always come up, whether a legitimate reason or a lame excuse, we've never made it an ENTIRE week of just eating at home and I have to admit, it feels REALLY GOOD!!

This weekend we got so much done outside. The beautiful weather helped of course, but it was amazing to come inside after a long day's work, put dinner in the oven, take a hot shower and just relax feeling a sense of accomplishment and no guilt!

It's so easy to be self destructive yet even EASIER to NOT be?? The lazy, apathetic and self-loathing snowball grows so quickly that it's hard to make it stop but all it takes is a little sunshine to melt it all away allowing for motivation, accomplishments and JOY! Hooray for spring! Literally and figuratively.

Okay, I think I've written enough for today and even though I feel like I could go on and on and on I will end here for now.

oh, one more thing...

Brett is back to working in the office four days a week, and I'm thinking that's going to be his excuse for not getting his sperm checked. He's "cute" like that. :D

But also, while I'm at it, I should take a minute to brag on him a bit even though what I really want right now is a nap--

My husband is truly incredible. As I mentioned in my last post...all of like five minutes ago- he's lost 25lbs! And even though I really want to hate him for it, I just can't. I'm so happy for him! I want to say I'm proud of him because I have a problem with that word. I don't think I have the right to be proud of other people. Pride is something you take in the things YOU do. I will be proud of my children, but I can't be proud of my husband. He's the one making the choices. He is CHOOSING hard boiled eggs and cottage cheese over fast food and chips. He is CHOOSING to be more active; to go places and do things rather than veg on the couch.

He's pretty awesome, in every sense of the word. I am in awe of his patience, passion, compassion, willingness to try new things, ability to love me even when I'm hardly lovable. He is caring, loving, affectionate and always striving to improve.

After my first marriage I wrote a list of requirements should I ever get married again. The list consisted of 20 traits I thought would make up the person I wanted to be with.

I recently re-read that list and am happy to report that Brett is 18 of the 20. He truly is my perfect match. He is what I knew I wanted and needed years before I ever met him.

Not only do I LOVE him, but I appreciate all of who he is and am so grateful that I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

:-)

An Exhausting Weekend...

Well it turns out that Friday was just the beginning of the carnage. Today, Monday, three days later, I'm finally able to feel confident about leaving the house. Finally wearing pants and finally feeling a little less disgusting.

Today, I'm just tired. So tired I can hardly keep my eyes open...gee I wonder why? Doctors say that the average woman loses just a few teaspoons of blood during a normal period, but I'm here to say that it's possible to lose WAY more than that!

I really want to go into all the details just so everyone know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, because really, it's quite impressive. But it's also so incredibly disgusting that I should just leave it at that.

As for baby making...

Umm, well, there's not much of that going on right now either. DUH! But my mom called me this morning to tell me that she heard on the radio, March is the month of fertility. :-D We'll see about that!

For now we're focusing on our mini vacation at the end of the month; a cabin with friends in Gatlinburg. As well as hoping Brett gets a raise this month and that we can both lose some weight. (he's down 25 lbs, that bastard!) MEN!

That's all I've got right now. Don't really have the energy to write anything interesting for funny, or with any amount of enthusiasm what-so-ever.

Can we say "extreme amount of blood loss equal complete lack of energy?" Hello Vitamins with extra Iron!

I hope I can make it through the rest of the day!

Bad, Bad Morning--- Gore Alert, and I don't mean Al.

Day 15. You'd think things would be winding down a bit by now, no?

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WRONG!

What I thought was coming to an end yesterday morning decided to rear it's ugly head last night, leaving me to wake up, in well, a puddle.

I know this is disgusting, but it's true. And it's all part of this BS that I'm going through with my body. So, YES! This is going to be one of those "bi-polar" days, and not the manic kind, more of the pissed off, frustrated, laundry doing, hydrogen-peroxiding, SEVERAL trips to the bathroom, multiple pairs of underwear, towel-sitting, no pants-wearing (cause it's futile) kind of day.

While I'm at it, I think I'll feel sorry for myself for a little too.

What can feel so hopeful one day can feel disastrous the next.

God I wish my laundry wasn't in the basement!