As promised...

December 1, 2011




January 28, 2012 - 8 weeks since the start of the liquid diet, 6 weeks post op.



This is the same exact dress, same exact size just a different color.

I really can't even believe that it's going to get even better than this! You have know idea how FUCKING amazing that feels. Yes, I just used the whole, real F word. That's how amazing it feels- deal with it.

I Love you Dr. Gersin!

How did you get so fat?

Before I had this surgery, I had to go through a fairly comprehensive psychological evaluation that consisted of an interview as well as 600+ questions on a computer and written test. I have no idea what I scored, I just know that the psychologist approved me for surgery. So my guess is that I'm pretty sane...

There are many reasons that people get fat or have a weight problem- one way or the other. For many it IS an eating disorder; for others...I don't know. I can only speak for myself.

I have just about every reason in the world to have an eating disorder diagnosis- broken home, abusive parent, absent father, virtually no stability (moved 20+ times before I turned 18, went to 14 different schools, the list goes on), my mom is overweight as is most of my family- food equals love. But I feel like somehow, that's not my problem. I really do not believe that I have an eating disorder. I think that I LOVE food, good food and bad food and that I have (had) bad habits- but I do not believe that I have a bad "relationship" with food- which is essentially what an eating disorder boils down to, right? Of course I've made many, MANY bad choices, but those choices weren't a product of a disorder.

Prior to surgery I had been told that I might be angry or depressed because I wouldn't be able to eat like I used to- I was fully prepared to feel that way. I even warned Brett that I might get mean or exceptionally moody or...who knows what. But I haven't. Not at all. I haven't missed any foods or felt deprived or angry that I couldn't eat. In fact, I'm happy to not be able to eat! It feels incredible to have that habit broken and I'm enjoying other things instead.

So how did I get to the point of being so big that I needed surgery? (I don't THINK I've written a blog about this yet, but if I did, here it is again- probably in much more detail)

It was a combination of things- learned habits, bad hormones and the snowball effect.

So first of all, I've always been heavy- at least since the second grade. How did that happen? Genetics? Learned behaviors? YES! What's different here is that although I was always the fat kid I didn't let it stop me- it didn't stop be from being active, it didn't stop me from playing sports, trying out for cheer leading, performing or eating. Sure, there were a few times I remember being unsatisfied with my body and wanting to try a diet but it never lasted. I guess that's a good thing? My family was aware of my "weight problem", they made comments, but it was never a BIG deal- they never forced me to go on diets or exercise or...in fact it was kind of the opposite, but I don't feel like going into that much detail right this second, mostly because I'm lazy AND I don't want to get sidetracked (shoot, it's already happening!) Okay- so...I think that BECAUSE they didn't make a huge deal of my weight, I never felt like I wasn't good enough or that food was my enemy or, I don't know, any number of things that lead to eating disorders. I guess I was lucky in that way. But ss I got older, the childhood habits and weight snowballed.

There were times when I lost weight, three that I can remember. The first was in 1999 when I was living in Los Angeles and doing Pirates Penzance, dancing four hours a day, five days a week and eating protein bars for dinner (Howard Stern said they were good- he was wrong, but I ate them anyway). I lost about 20lbs during the 8 weeks of rehearsal plus the 6 week run of five show weekends. I was already "overweight" when I was cast- about 250lbs, so I got down to about 230 by the end of the run. The second time was 2001 when I took metabolife (I LOVED that stuff!) and went from a desk job to being a preschool teacher- I lost 20lbs in one month and went from 290lbs to 270lbs. The third and final time was 2003 when I played Psuedolous in "A Funny Thing Happened...Forum"- again rehearsals five nights a weeks, blah, blah, blah. I lost another 20lbs over the course of a few months and by the end weighed about 260lbs. I just tried to find a picture of what I looked like back then but I don't know where any are- if I even have any. My point is, that unless I was losing, I was gaining. And even though those numbers seem like an insane about of weight to most people, they were just numbers to me. That was just who I was, who I've always been. Those numbers didn't stop me from dating or going out dancing or being active- they were just the number that appeared when I stepped on the scale.

It wasn't until the last few years that the weight started to bother me- age, I guess. It was around the time I turned 30. My joints started hurting and I just felt lethargic all the time. I'm sure that also had/has something to do with an extremely sedentary lifestyle. About a year prior to turning 30 I started working from home (the same job I have now) and would go days without leaving the house because there was no where I HAD to be- it was one of my new "bad habits". A habit I'm still fighinting which I'm planning to break starting Monday (more on that later). So, I continued to eat like I always had with practically ZERO activity, other than going from room to room in my house. As my body hurt worse, I stopped doing the things I used to do for fun, like dance, hike, theater, etc.-- the weight kept piling on and I felt more and more miserable.

I know many people who read this will thinking to themselves, "but HOW? how do you get to be SO big?" The answer is: I never saw it coming. I just went about my daily business and the weight creeped on, pound by pound. You see, when you've always been overweight, a little extra is really no big deal- the fat is almost invisible. It's not like when you're thin and you see every pound you put on. Think about it. If you start out with one cotton ball and add two more, you see a huge difference, right? It's those cotton balls have increase by 200%, but when you have 50 cotton balls and you add one or even 3 or 4 or FIVE, you'll barely see a change- that's kind of getting fat works. I have no idea why cotton balls popped into my head, but regardless of what the item is, the more you start with the less you notice when more is added. Yeah?

So that's that. It was a slow process, one that took a good 30 years to complete and one that is currently being dismantled, pound by mother effing pound.

It terrifies me to think that I could have gotten worse and probably would have if I hadn't taken control of the situation. I had just accepted my life the way it was- accepted the fact that I would always be fat and that was it, that was my destiny- not because of an eating disorder but because my 127lbs 11year old self had snowballed into my 300+ pound 34 year old self. The End.

Five Weeks Post Op

Well as of yesterday it's been five weeks since my surgery and all is well. I am seeing major changes in my body which is extremely exciting. My range of motion is so much better. It's amazing how much that inner tube of fat around your mid section gets in the way. And my bip (also know as the butt-hip, the never ending hip, the shelf, or the ghetto booty) is almost normal. I'm pretty sure no one has ever had a bip like mine. I could balance a glass of Dom Perignon on my bip and walked around the block without having to worry about it crashing to the ground. Sure, it would have sloshed around a lot, but it would have been secure on that protrusion of fat that could have easily seconded as a dining room table. Now it's more like a nightstand and for now, I'm okay with that.

The rest of me is getting smaller too. I can't tell you how good it feels to be on the downswing. There have been a few times in my life when I've lost some weight, but nothing like this, this is different. I guess because it's happening quickly. Well that and I've never lost THIS MUCH at one time before. I'm officially down 40lbs from December 1st. That's pretty damned amazing. I actually hadn't really thought about that until just now. (Excuse me while I go do a happy dance...)

Okay. Whew!

Now that I'm in my fifth week my diet is no longer restricted. I am free to make my own choices and that is a relief! The only time I struggled during the restricted phase was during the "liquids only". It only lasted one week, the week of my surgery, but by the fourth day I was STARVING. That pretty much sucked. But other than that it's been smooth sailing. The only thing I've really had trouble eating are scrambled eggs- which are supposed to be a staple in the post diet-- Leave it to me to be the opposite of the norm. I've been very fortunate to have not gotten "sick", but the few times that I've tried to eat eggs have hurt. Like bad. They feel like they get stuck and the base of my esophagus and just sit there, turning into nails that dig at my abdominal cavity. It's really pretty awful. But I've found that if I get up and walk around it subsides pretty quickly. I've also found that if I just avoid eggs it doesn't happen at all. :) (Though there's bound to be something else that will do the same thing- so it's good to know for future reference)

So what do I eat? Well, The last few days it's been fruit smoothies in the morning- which let me tell you...are the best damned thing that's happened since, you guessed it, sliced bread. Every morning I wake up hungry AND thirsty but I have to choose between food or drink because I can't have both at the same time and, in fact, have to wait 30 minutes between the two. So a fruit smoothie satisfies both. Heaven sent I tell you, heaven sent. So fruit smoothie in the morning, or protein hot chocolate made with coffee...yum! For lunch I was eating left overs but this week, now that I'm not longer restricted and am tolerating them well, it's CUCUMBERS and hummus with piece of salami and provolone and wedge of laughing cow or a fresh mozzarella ball. YUM!

It's funny what I can eat and what I can't eat. And what goes down easy and what doesn't. Sometimes I eat three bites and I'm done, other times I can eat four inches of cucumber, 2tbs of hummus, salami and three kinds of cheese. Weird. Eating slow is certainly key and most of the time I'm really good about it, but every once in a while I forget to chew my food to liquid and swallow too soon. Then I have to burp and burp and burp and burp and burp. Fortunately I'm a champion burper, always have been (I was actually worried that I wouldn't be able to burp after the surgery) which makes getting through some tough situations much easier...or at least quicker.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!

I guess that's it for now. I'll try to post some before and now pics soon. If you're half as curious as I am then we'll all be thrilled!

Like those who have gone before me, having this surgery was the best decision I've ever made.

Letting Go

So I was just sitting here at my desk thinking about this journey that I'm on. you always hear that saying- something like, it's not about the destination it's about the journey--- or something like that? I'm so bad with sayings, it's really kind of ridiculous. Anyway, I've been stressing this week because I haven't lost any weight since last Wednesday. I mean, I know how insane that is- I hope you do too! BUT, I've decided to let go. I'm not going to stress about how much I've lost or how quickly it's happening. I WILL HAPPEN. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself, even though I am feeling a little justified in my pre-op freak out about being the (mythical) 3%. I've said for a long time that my body hates me- this is not a lie. However, I also hate my body, so I guess I can't ask for much in return.

I wish that I could say something profound like, "I've decided to love my body!" and have it be some life-changing event, but that's not going to happen-- at least for a while. If I said it, it would be a lie. So forget that...for now. For now, I will be patient: I will go about my daily business, avoid the scale except at doctor's appointments (or at least I'll try) I'll eat right and exercise daily- I will give my body NO excuses for hating me. I will simply take care of simply because it is the right thing to do. I'm not going to compare my "success" to other's, I'm just going to enjoy whatever progress I make and even though I was really hoping that I would be one of those "drastic weightloss patients", I'll be happy being a successful weightloss patient- even if it takes three years to get there. --yeah, that would TOTALLY suck ass! And, I WOULD NOT be happy if it took three years, in fact, I'd be down right pissed, but eh. We'll see.

Oh, btw, I got my period yesterday. That's three times in three months- this is a first. I wonder if this is a new thing that will stick? Weird. I guess now that I've decided that I don't want kids my ovaries have decided to start working. See it's not my imagination. My body hates me! True story.

The End.

Down 30lbs from my highest (2.5 weeks pre-op, when I started the liquid diet- this is the number I like best, for obvious reasons)

Down 10lbs since day of surgery (26 days post op) GRRRRRRRR!

Joined a Gym!

I wish that "joining a gym" was actually news worthy but it really isn't. This probably the, wait, hold on, I think I can remember...this IS the fifth gym I've joined- so it's not really all that exciting or anything new for that matter. But I'm feeling better about it this time around- eh, I always feel good about it in the beginning so I guess that's not really news worthy either. Anyway, I joined a gym yesterday and I will be going for the first time TODAY!

I joined an all women's gym in hopes that I will feel confident enough to step foot in there prior to any drastic weightloss--- in order to LOSE A DRASTIC AMOUNT OF WEIGHT! Grrr...Why do I hate exercising so much? I don't mean I dislike it- I mean I HATE it! Like it makes me feel nauseated when I think about it, even just going for a walk seems like torture. SO BORING! I hate walking "for pleasure"- to me there's nothing pleasurable about it. Even though I live in a beautiful area and am surrounded by lovely parks and quaint, very walkable streets, I just can't seem to find any joy in "going for a walk". Maybe that will change with weightloss, but I doubt it. I've never enjoyed walking- seems like a waste of time. I do however love hiking and riding my bike- but those are off limits for a while. So I'm hoping that by joining a gym, AGAIN, that I will find a decent distraction in whatever is on TV while I'm on the treadmill and eventually (approximately 4 weeks from now) I'll be able to take an aerobics class or body pump or SOMETHING that doesn't require being completely stationary and/or WALKING!

You're probably thinking that I need to change my attitude, and you're probably right, but it's not going to happen...unless of course I suddenly enjoy walking. Yeah, I know, thought beget feelings, blah, blah, blah...I HATE WALKING!

So anyway- I had my two week follow up with the surgeon yesterday- also known as Mr. Personality. He's SO quiet and dry that it's almost funny. I can't do an impression of him in writing because there aren't enough descriptors in my vocabulary, but suffice it to say, he is...a great surgeon and it's a good thing the majority of his time that is spent with his patients is while they're out cold. Regardless, my appointment went well- I'm healing nicely and he's pleased with my progress. Duh.

I've moved on to "soft foods", which basically means anything except: bread (I know it's soft but it's gluey) raw vegetables, raw fruit (except bananas), dry and dryish meat, melba toast, Triscuits, and anything fried, sugary or fatty. So far, so good. This week I've dined on deli turkey and cheese, meatloaf and mashed cauliflower with peas, macaroni with meat sauce (mostly the meat sauce), grilled chicken with broccoli and Alfredo, Chex cereal with milk, sugar free pudding and Chrystal Light popsicles. It's nice to have more complex flavors and textures.

I'm supposed to eat a half a cup of food three times per day plus two snacks and LOTS of liquids and protein. Let me tell you, it's hard as hell to get that all in, in one day! I'm a big water drinker and I like to chug it but because my stomach (pouch) is to teeny tiny I can't, so I have to try to sip all day. (I'm a whiner aren't I? Sheesh!) It really is hard though. I want to chug but I have to sip and then when I'm hungry I have to wait 30 minutes since my last sip to actually eat- then wait another 30 to drink again. This leaves me feeling thirsty almost constantly. Sometimes I forget and I take a big gulp- fortunately I remember before I swallow but still. I have swallowed too much water at one time, in-fact I do it several times a day- not huge swallows, but too much. When that happens, it hurts. The pain only lasts a few seconds but it grosses me out to think about too much water in a my teen tiny pouch. I know it's supposed to stretch a bit, but thinking about it stretching gives me the eeby jeebies.

I've only lost three pounds since my last post- I think most of it is water weight. The Dr. didn't seem concerned- he says "you WILL lose weight, it's impossible not to". But if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you know that my body is a real pistol so I can't say I'm surprised by this lack of loss. I was hoping I'd be one of those success stories that lost 90lbs in the first three months, but it's not looking like that's going to be the case. Instead I will be one of those slow steady types- greeeeat...

I guess that's all for now. Here's to walking on a treadmill for the next four weeks. Yay!