Bad, Bad Morning--- Gore Alert, and I don't mean Al.

Day 15. You'd think things would be winding down a bit by now, no?

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WRONG!

What I thought was coming to an end yesterday morning decided to rear it's ugly head last night, leaving me to wake up, in well, a puddle.

I know this is disgusting, but it's true. And it's all part of this BS that I'm going through with my body. So, YES! This is going to be one of those "bi-polar" days, and not the manic kind, more of the pissed off, frustrated, laundry doing, hydrogen-peroxiding, SEVERAL trips to the bathroom, multiple pairs of underwear, towel-sitting, no pants-wearing (cause it's futile) kind of day.

While I'm at it, I think I'll feel sorry for myself for a little too.

What can feel so hopeful one day can feel disastrous the next.

God I wish my laundry wasn't in the basement!

MD Today- part 2

Okay, okay here it is...

So we went the doctor this morning and it went very well, as best it could I suppose. My doctor is a bit cooky to say the least, but easy to talk to and totally on board in helping us any way possible. Since he is not a fertility specialist he is limited in what he can do to help, but is willing to get us through the initial rounds of Clomid in hopes of getting pregnant.

We walked out of his office with our nifty little specimen kit (Brett is less than thrilled) and as well a prescription for Provera and Clomid; now we just wait.

It was never our intention to walk out of the appointment, run to the pharmacy, fill the prescription and come home and do it like rabbits. That hasn't changed.

For now, we plan to just hang out for a while. Let this all settle in a bit and move forward when we're ready.

I'm hoping Brett will come around sooner than later and decide the whole "filling the cup" thing isn't that bad. But I will try to be as patient as I can. Unfortunately, it's not something that can be especially spontaneous which completely removes any opportunity for "romance". It's all very clinical.

First we have to make an appointment with the lab so that they can be ready when we deliver the specimen, then the cup has to be filled (which we can do at home) but we have keep it warm by placing between our legs or under an arm and deliver it within one hour of collection. Sounds like fun, eh? Oh yeah, and no "sex" three days prior.

Who knew jacking it into a cup had to be so scientific. Yeah, I just said, "jacking it", so what?! It's funny! And it's okay to laugh about it.

From there, we'll find out what we're working with. If we've got limited, slow or abnormal sperm at least we'll know and can start looking at herbal supplements and take advantage of other remedies out there.

Once that's all determined we'll move forward.

I'm on day 14 of this "period" now, woo hoo. NOT! And if it doesn't end, and/or a new one doesn't start by the time we're ready to give this whole getting knocked up thing a whirl, I will: take a dose of Provera to jump start a period, take the clomid 3-5 days after it starts then go back to the doc on day 20 for a blood test to see what my hormone levels are and if my progesterone levels indicate ovulation. If my progesterone levels don't indicate ovulation then we start the process again only this time we increase the dose of Clomid. This will continue until A) pregnancy is achieved or B) We've reached the max dose.

If we get to B then we re-evaluate and most likely move to other plan B which is adoption. That's been plan A/B all along and will probably happen regardless...eventually.

RECAP-

Step 1: check sperm
Step 2: take Provera if a natural period doesn't occur
Step 3: take Clomid
Step 4: blood test to determine hormone levels. If test is positive -->Step 5 If it's negative we still move to step 5, because we can and then return to step 2
Step 5: have lots of sex
Step 6: take a positive pregnancy test and jump for joy or return to step 2

Here's hoping for Plan A!

MD Today- part 1

Today is the day we go to see the doctor about Clomid and I'm beginning to feel very nervous. Worried that he'll tell me he doesn't think it's a good idea for one reason or another. That some how I'll be rejected, denied the opportunity to be a mother and left with one more obstacle in my way.

I realize how ridiculous this sounds, but it's how I feel; please don't try to convince me otherwise. The fact is, I'll know his response in about two hours, if at that point my worries are confirmed, then you can feel free to try and comfort me. However, I already know that he is not the end-all, be-all, with regards to baby-making so even if he does say "no", I'm well aware that he is A) not my only option and B) not the one controlling my ovaries and uterus. So, there!

So I'm off! Off to the doctor, wearing my teenage-angst panties, feeling a bit defensive and armed with pessimism, prepared for disappointment. Yay!

Oh and trust me, even if we walk out with a prescription today, my next blog will not be anymore optimistic than this one. I'm okay with that, and you should be too, no one likes to be vulnerable.

I wonder what Brett is thinking?

Day 11, The PCOS Stamp Rant and Clomid!

Well it's day eleven of this "period" and I'm beginning to wonder if it's going to end. As I stated in a previous blog my second-to-last period lasted 18 months so I'm starting to get a little nervous.

I suppose eleven days isn't unreasonable when you haven't had a period in five months, but the fear of another 18 month stint is NOT something to be excited about.

This brings me to my rant on PCOS.

When I was diagnosed 10 years ago, PCOS was not commonly assigned. I had to ASK my doctor about it even though I'd been irregular ever since my first period at age 11. I was always just offered the pill as a symptom manager and there was never a concern. In fact, when I was finally diagnosed that was the RX too...take the pill to regulate and come back when you're ready to get pregnant and we'll use drugs to get you pregnant.

Since then, there have been some advancements I suppose. Doctors are more aware of the disorder and some even prescribe metformin (a diabetes med) to help with the metobolic end of things, which in turn is supposed to make you ovulate.

Here's my problem with all of this. Back when I was first diagnosed the doc performed in internal ultrasound and I remember seeing the "string of pearls" around my ovaries. My blood sugar was normal and so was my thyroid and every other test they ran.

Over the last ten years I've been back a couple of times, different doctor every time because I've moved so much, and every time I've been completely normal-- other than my weight.

If you read about PCOS there seems to be a correlation between the syndrome and obesity. (God I hate that word) But it seems no one knows which comes first. However, normal-weight women can get it too AND many overweight women DON'T have it. So there's really no rhyme or reason.

Another interesting thing about "PCOS" (notice I'm putting it in quotation marks now) is that different women have different symptoms. This is where my rant begins.

It seems to me that "PCOS" has become a bit like ADD/ADHD. "Oh your kid is more than you can handle, well he must have ADD, here's some Ritalin, have a nice day."

With PCOS it's like, "oh you're irregular? Hmmm...well ypu must have PCOS. Here's your 'PCOS' stamp." And that's it. Your medical chart now reads "PCOS".

Before you get upset thinking that I believe ADD is not real, you're wrong. I do believe it's real. I, myself should probably be medicated for it, BUT, it's also become a blanket diagnoses; an excuse for some parents and a money maker for drug companies.

Back to the PCOS, which is why you came here, right?

I call it the "PCOS STAMP" because during my last visit to a REPRODUCTIVE ENDOCRINOLOGIST, a "PCOS" specialist, I was given my stamp once again- as well as a RX for birth control pills and Metformin EVEN THOUGH all of my tests were normal. My hormones are normal, my blood sugar is normal, my thyroid is normal and there were NO PEARLS ON MY OVARIES!!

When I told her I had been bleeding for the past year and a half she was just like, "yeah, that's got to be tough".

My OB/GYN didn't seem bothered by it either. He wanted me to see the specialis to get her "specialized" opinion, but basically told me, "Some people are just fat. Don't worry about it so much. When you want to get pregnant I'll give you a prescription for Clomid and we'll see what happens."

All of this just leaves me wondering if there's something being missed; feeling a little more hopeless, a little more helpless and wishing I was a scientist, or at least knew one, willing to do some intense research just in case they're missing something-- like genetically altered corn or hormone injected chicken or drinking out of plastic water bottles. SOMETHING!

Done ranting.

So now what? Well, I wasn't going to say anything to anybody about this, but because A) I lack self-control, B) We can use all the good energy, thoughts and prayers out there, and C) This is the big one...I know there are other people out there that read my blog who are going through the same thing.

Here it is...Brett and I are going to the doctor on Wednesday to talk to him about clomid. Nervousness ensues.

(I realize this is the THIRD topic that I'm covering in this, "getting longer and longer with every keystroke entry", but it seems that I have a lot on my mind. And rightfully so I guess.)

Why clomid? I'm thirty-two years old, other than my weight, I'm in perfectly good health- normal BP, cholesterol, hormones, I eat well, and did I mention I'm 32? Yeah, that clock is ticking and to be quite frank, I'm tired of putting off having a baby, or at least trying-- I mean REALLY trying.

After writing a few blog-entries, talking to a couple of friends and having a real heart-to-heart with myself, I realized, that losing the weight I want to lose, at the rate I'm going now, will leave me 40 years old and childless. I know "they" say 40 is the new 30, but I want to have a family now, not eight years from now. I'm ready. My heart and my home are ready. Brett is ready. WE ARE READY!! So we're giving it a shot. A real, honest to goodness shot.

We're ready. Ready to face this challenge. Hoping it's just me. Hoping that Clomid will do the trick. Hoping Brett has some good swimmers and that my body will provide a good home for nine months of baby growing...that between the two of us, cause that how it works, we'll be able to make a beautiful healthy baby.

Ethnic cooking made easy...

After writing the following post on Facebook, I've had a few requests from friends to write a blog about my "cooking adventures".

"It's really not hard. You just have to be brave enough to try! The main spices I use are- garlic powder, onion powder, cumin, ginger, chili powder, oregano, parsley, rosemary, (italian seasoning sometimes), fresh garlic, fresh onion. I have some other extras that come out less seldom, but with these main ones the options are endless! You just ... have to know what has what flavor. For Italian meals: garlic, onion, italian seasoning. Mexican: garlic, onion, cumin, chili powder. Asian meals: Garlic, Onion, Ginger. Any of these mixed with oil or yogurt make a great marinade or salad dressing. Lemon juice or vinegar will add a kick and/or can make the marinade penetrate better."

I'll say it again! It's really not hard. You just have to be brave enough to try!

So here's what I got...

I guess I'm pretty good in the kitchen in compared to most non-professionals, but this isn't because I'm educated or grew up cooking and/or eating terribly fancy foods...I'm just passionate about food and I'm fearless about cooking.

My desire to know where my food comes from and to rot when I die are my two main motivators. While I love a box of shells and cheese every once in a while, I get much more satisfaction out of making it from scratch. Not only is it just as easy (okay, maybe a couple extra steps) but it's lower in salt, has no preservatives and tastes de-licious! Plus, because it does take a few extra steps, I think twice before deciding to make it-- it may be from scratch but that doesn't make it healthy!

So how do I do it? Well over the last few years I have mastered a few techniques and ingredients that allow me to create dishes from all over the world. Here is break down of what my staples which will get you through basic and popular elasticities-- Italian, Mexican and Chinese

HERBS/SPICES
Garlic- fresh and powdered (I used to use jarred until I recognized the difference-- no comparison!)

Onion- fresh and powdered

Italian Seasoning

Cumin

Ginger- fresh (that weird looking root thing) and powdered

Chili Powder

Dried Oregano

Dried Parsley

Cinnamon

Chicken, beef, pork (rarely since Brett doesn't like it) and sometimes Salmon

Pasta

Rice

Potatoes

Beans (Black, Kidney and Garbanzo)

Canned Tomatoes- Paste, Sauce and Diced

Variety of Frozen Veggies- Carrots, Broccoli, Corn, Green beans, Peppers and Peas

Of course salt, pepper, flour, sugar, water and milk.

I don't buy fresh milk because we don't drink it fast enough and it just goes to waste. Instead I buy Almond milk because it's low cal, low fat, high protein, and I can keep it in the cupboard until I'm ready to use it. Brett puts it in his eggs and I use it for baking mostly. I also keep a couple cans of evaporated milk in case I REALLY need milk for something- like mac and cheese.

With these basic ingredients I can make ALL kinds of foods just by varying the combination:

Italian- Onion, Garlic, Italian Seasoning, Oregano, Parsley, Salt, Pepper- a dash of cinnamon will take away the bitter taste in canned tomato sauce.

An easy Tomato Sauce free from HFCS-

1 can tom sauce, Italian Seasoning, Garlic Powder, Onion Powder and a dash of cinnamon. Fancier? Saute some fresh garlic and onion in 1 tbsp Olive oil, add a can of dice tomatoes. Stop here for a fresh taste or add a can of sauce to thicken and add bulk. You can also add veggies if you'd like to make a well rounded meal out of it.

Pour over well salted, drained pasta and voila!

This sauce can also be used for lasagna, baked pasta and the start of chili. If you want meat just cook it first, drain the fat and then add the rest of the sauce ingredients.

Mexican- CUMIN! Onion, garlic, oregano and chili powder

For chili, start like you're making an Italian Sauce, omit the Italian Seasoning and instead use Cumin, Chili Powder and kidney beans. I like to add about a tbsp of cocoa powder too, which again, takes away the bitterness of the tomatoes. Add corn, peppers and other veggies if you'd like. Meat or no meat!

You can also use the Main Mexican ingredients to season chicken, steak, black beans and rice or even just spice up a cheese quesadilla.

Chinese- Garlic, Onion, (do we see a pattern here?) Ginger-- there's a new one! And red pepper flakes if you've got 'em and you like it hot!

These can be used to season just about anything Chinese, especially stir-fry.

Stir-fry: sautee onions and garlic, add some fresh ginger and diced chicken. Cook until done. Add veggies and a little soy sauce, cook until just heated through. Serve with rice.

Another alternative is to marinate the chicken in soy sauce, orange juice, a little brown sugar, onion powder, garlic powder and ginger powder. Saute, and then add veggies. So easy and YUMMY!

I could go on and on, but this is a good place to start. Like I said before, I'm just fearless in the kitchen. But I truly believe that once you master the main flavor of any ethnicity the possibilities are endless.

I hope this helps all the non-cookers out there.

Some lessons I've learned:

Garlic burns really fast!

Add meat to a pre-heated pan to keep it from sticking

Salt is a necessity; it's what makes the other flavors pop, especially sweet ones. Just don't go overboard because like my Gramma says, "you can always add more, but you can't take it out".

Citrus makes chicken tender.

DON'T add flour to any sauce without mixing it with milk or water first unless you like it lumpy!

Water evaporates- keep this in mind when you're cooking with water or anything that is made of water like tomatoes.


EASY EASY MAC AND CHEESE!

Boil water then add salt.
add 1lb pasta (any kind you like)
Mix a about a cup of milk with 1 tbsp flour in a separate cup or bowl
Once pasta is cooked, drain enough water to come to the top of the pasta.
Add Colby cheese- sliced or shredded, stir until melted.
Slowly add milk flour mixture a few tablespoons at a time, stirring pot each time until thick.
Turn down the heat.

That's it!

I'm not bipolar, just hormonal!

So the last time I wrote a blog, well, the last three (er, um, only three) times, were all kind of pitiful. I knew they were at the time. I was aware that they didn't represent my "norm", but the feelings were completely genuine. I really was feeling very frustrated and a bit down about, well, everything. Feeling a bit hopeless and helpless-- it happens to all of us. BUT! I have good news! I GOT MY PERIOD!!!

Now this may not seem like something most people would broadcast on the web; in fact I feel a little strange doing it. BUT for all of my friends and family who either A- know my irregularity issues and B- for those who deal with PCOS themselves, know that this is quite a feat.

Why? Well because I haven't had a period since AUGUST! This isn't the longest I've gone without one, but five months feels like an eternity when you want to get pregnant. (I really should own stock in EPT) Every week that goes by is another week "late" in normal-person-world. And even though I know, intellectually that I'm not pregnant, it's easy to get caught in the maybe's and what if's.

None-the-less, I got my period and now recognize those PMS blues from two weeks ago as just that, PMS!

So what now? Well...I wait. Wait and hope it stops. My last period was induced by a round of BC pills, and boy was it a doozy! Prior to that three week long respite (during the 21 days of white pills) I had been bleeding for a year an a half. Yeah, you read that right. ONE and ONE HALF years! 18 months! 500 and some odd days. Tell me that's not exhausting! -- Which brings me to today...waiting, waiting for this period to be over. It's been about a week and has slowed down significantly since it started, but is still hanging on.

I guess I'll just wait a little longer and hope that it doesn't decide to stick around too long. The only way to make it stop is to go on the pill which is NOT my favorite option. It may make the bleeding stop, but it also makes me completely irrational and impossible to be around-- just ask Brett!

For now, I feel good. I'm eating carbs in moderation, making sure every meal has a fruit and/or veg and watching portion sizes. Haven't really lost any weight, but I'm feeling better...looking forward to warm weather, gardening, camping and other summer projects.

I've got a list of blog subjects that I will be writing and publishing soon. So keep an eye out!

So I've decided to have t-shirts made...

They'll say, "Pity me, I'm infertile!" Ok, not really. That would be funny though wouldn't it? Come on, just a little? Imagine me and thousands of other women walking around in mint green shirts with bold black letters... PITY ME, I'M INFERTILE!

I suppose it might make some people feel uncomfortable, but at least it would be out there. I mean, it's already the elephant in the room, isn't it?

As a 32 year old woman, my biological clock is ticking and my maternal instincts are locked and loaded. Most of my friends already have children and they are all well aware that I want them too. Sometimes we talk about it, especially if I'm feeling really down-- they are all very supportive and are always there for me when I need them. I am EXTREMELY fortunate in the friend department.

However, this doesn't change the fact that I want to be pregnant more than anything in the world and that they already have what I want and worry I will never get.

This can sometimes leave me feeling awkward...

Now you may be thinking that the awkwardness would be on their part, but it's not. It's actually my own discomfort. I love and value all of my friends, and the ones with kids...well I get to love them double and some of them triple! (none quadruple..yet) I feel very fortunate to be a part of their children's lives-- to play with them, snuggle them and watch them grow. But it doesn't stop there...I also love watching my friends grow. From single, to married, to motherhood. (usually in that order)

My once wild and crazy girlfriends are now completely monogamous, relatively sober and 100% committed to being moms. It's really quite beautiful.

At the same time, our conversations have grown. Now we talk more about organic foods rather than how many calories are in a Red Bull and Vodka and tell each other about the great deal we got on a new set of dishes instead of the cute shirt we bought at Ross the other day. (We've always been thrifty) Most topics are still subjects to which I can contribute. BUT...there are also several that I can't. Co-sleeping, Cloth Diapers, how to make baby food, labor and delivery, nursing, and immunizations...to name a few.

This doesn't bother me, well not in the sense that I don't like or want to talk about these things. BUT, there's only so much that I can contribute and that's when I begin to feel a little awkward- although not the way you may think.

I admit, sometimes is makes me sad, and sometimes I get that pain behind my eyes as I fight to keep the tears from welling up, but that's still not what bothers me. What bothers me is completely self induced. I feel like, they worry they feel like they can't talk about baby things in front of me because it might make me sad.

This is especially at the front of my mind right now because of a conversation that took place this weekend.

Two of my girlfriends were over with their kids. We had just finish eating soup after sledding in the backyard for a couple of hours. The kids were in the living room with husbands watching cartoons and playing with cars and we were sitting around the table chatting. (kinda like in the movies) We have it pretty good!

Well, somehow the topic of sleeping came up and they began discussing their individual family's sleeping arrangements. They were talking about how they all fit in one bed, and how much easier it is to nurse, and so on. For some reason, I was feeling especially emotional that day and began to feel that recognizable ache coming from right between my eyes. I quickly stood up and began clearing dishes. I went into the kitchen took a deep breath and returned to the dining room listening to their conversation the entire time. Each time I entered the kitchen I let out an relieving exhale, pushing the tears down a little further with every breath. After a few trips I finally decided to jump in...contributing the only thing I could think to say. It went a little something like this-

"I know it's not the same, because well, he's a dog. But last night, Joe actually laid on the bed next to me and fell asleep. It was so sweet."

Trying to feel more like a mom I continued...

"He will lay with me sometimes, but as soon as I wiggle even a toe, he jumps down."

Pointing out the sacrifices I make as a mom too...

"So I just laid there in a really uncomfortable position for almost an hour just so he could sleep."

Now I DO love my dog. And he is like my child. But he's still a dog. I don't care how much you may love your dog, or how much I love my dog (which is A LOT!) it's not the same as loving a child. I will not even try to convince myself that it's the same. I am fully aware that it's not. I do know, however, that I can't even imagine what it must feel like to love a child considering how much I love that Joe-dog.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode with the love I have for him. If he were a person...I may not survive!

Moving on.

So yeah, I love my dog. And I laid there for an hour in a really uncomfortable position so that he could sleep.

Well as soon as I blurted out this story to them I felt like a jerk. I know they just thought, "aw, that's sweet" because they both said something to that affect. I also know that they meant it. But I immediately felt responsible for making things awkward by drawing attention the fact that they have children and I have a dog. The thing is, they had no idea. They thought I was just clearing the table, that I could only carry three things at a time, that I was just telling a funny story. They didn't realize that I was trying to prove (unnecessarily) that I'm okay with them talking about things that I want but can't have.

I didn't give them credit for knowing me better than that. I assumed that they would think I wasn't okay with it.

UGH!

The truth is that I LOVE it when they talk about all that stuff. Not once have I ever thought any my friends were being insensitive, I've only thought they might worry that I thought they were.

I have learned so much from them that I may or may not have figured out on my own.

Okay, enough of this infertility crap, it's certainly does not define who I am and was not the sole purpose for starting a blog. I'm not sure why I started it but so far I'm enjoying it and plan to keep it up. I think my life is interesting, or at least close representation of the word.

Yesterday-
Breakfast- Peppers and Onion Omelet with cheese- coffee with cream and sugar
Lunch- Leftover Cheeseburger
Dinner- Sauteed potatoes, onions, sausage and chard with a side of mushroom and leeks and a salad with cranberries and almonds.
Dessert- 2 scratch-made soft chocolate cookies topped with berries and my first time everfresh whipped cream. (man did my wrist hurt!)

Carb Conundrum Continued...(this gets personal)

So I made cheeseburgers for dinner last night with homemade buns and big salad on the side. That sounds relatively healthy right? Especially considering what I had eaten earlier in the day. The patty was a quarter pound and the bun was small. The salad consisted of lettuce, spinach, carrots, onion and homemade yogurt blue cheese dressing.

I feel good about what I ate yesterday.

Brett wanted to go get ice cream around 8:30 and I told him no, which was hard. I wasn't hungry and I wasn't craving anything sweet, so passing up on the actual eating of the ice cream wasn't difficult. But just SAYING no, was difficult for a couple of reasons. One of them I just recognized as I was typing this paragraph.

So first- it was hard because I'm not his mother. He is a grown man and he doesn't need my permission to eat ice cream. Telling him no made me feel controlling and bitchy. I mean, I knew it was the best decision for both of us, but I'm certainly not his boss. At the same time, it makes me mad that he asked in the first place.

During dinner I expressed to him how I was feeling all day. I told him that we seriously need to CONSISTENTLY make better choices. We do good for a few days but then as soon as we find an excuse to make a bad choice we totally take advantage of it.

We really like the words of Michael Pollan. "Eat Food. Not very much. Mostly Vegetables" He says it's okay to eat junk food as long as you make it yourself. I agree with this...and long as you remember to eat "not very much".

So last night, as I'm mixing up the hamburger bun dough, Brett says, "We having french fries?" and I about lost it. "NO! We're having hamburger buns!"

"What else?"

"Salad"

"That's all?"

"YES!!!"

Little did he know, I had made up a new food rule just minutes prior to this conversation. ONE CARB PER MEAL Makes sense right? So why was he questioning me?!?!?! He should know!

At this point I was fuming, thinking to myself, "Potatoes AND buns! What the hell? I've told him a hundred times! Potatoes are NOT a vegetable!!! Dammit!"

Sitting at the table in silence, we began eating our cheeseburgers and salads when finally I realized...he had no idea that I'd made a new food rule.

"I'm sorry. I'm in a shitty mood...I just--" tears begin forming, "I'm just so frustrated. I want so badly to have a baby. And every time I eat a carb I feel like I'm feel like I'm choosing food over being a mother". I continued "And the other night, when you told David that we're off the wagon because now we're going to adopt, it really upset me. Adoption has always been an option, but it certainly isn't as excuse to abuse our bodies. I would love to have a four year old right now, but I don't want to be a fat mom to any child".

"So I've decided that we should limit our carbs to 1 per meal."

Done.

Back to the ice cream dilemma. Now that he knows the rule. He knows I'm upset that we've "fallen off the wagon", he knows I want a baby, he knows I hate being fat, he knows, he knows, he knows...and yet he still asks, "you wanna go get some ice cream?" AHHHHHHHH!!!

Like I said, avoiding the temptation wasn't hard since I was satisfied from dinner and not craving anything sweet. But the more I sat there and thought about it, the better the idea sounded. Not because I wanted ice cream, but because I wanted to share that experience with him. Which brings me to the epiphany I had while writing the second paragraph of this blog.

That's what we share...food and bad choices. It's how we spend time together. It's what we do. We love being gluttonous together-- whether is food, laziness or spending money we don't really have. We've talked before about how we enable each other. We are aware that we make bad decisions together. But it wasn't until 15 minutes ago that I realized, it's what actually bonds us. It's like our hobby. And me saying "no ice cream" felt like I was saying, "I don't love you. I don't want to spend time with you."

What the frigg!?

it's the carb conundrum.

I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome) back in 2001. Since then, my body has become the most frustrating part of my life- physically, mentally and emotionally.

Research has shown a direct relationship between PCOS and blood sugar. It's sometimes referred to as pre-diabetes or insulin resistance. My particular symptoms include: wacked periods, weight problems and some stray chin hairs (easily yanked with a pair of tweezers), otherwise everything about me is within "normal" range, specifically my blood sugar.

So why is it such a big deal?

The one thing, okay two things I want most in this world are ONE: to be a mom and TWO: to be healthy and live the life I feel I was meant to live. The ACTIVE lifestyle I WANT to live. But instead, I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, have a butt that's too big for a kayak, calves too big for snow skis and a lack of stamina too great to move much faster than nine-month pregnant woman. Which brings me back to number one-- to be a mom, which is near impossible because of my uncooperative ovaries.

RX: low carb diet and sometimes glucophage/metformin which is a diabetes medication.

The word diet in general goes against what I believe and gets my blood a little hot. I try very hard to know where my food comes from, make things from scratch, starting with whole foods and avoiding anything that says sugar-free or fat-free, aka chemical rich!

So now what?

Every time I bake a loaf of bread, or roll out biscuits I feel like I'm choosing grains over my unborn child(ren). What is supposed to be HEALTHY is my supposed poison. This of course starts a whole new guilt trip and feeling of hopelessness.

I wish I was a better writer so I could communicate my real feelings. These words don't do the sick-to-my-stomach feeling I get when I think about these choices.

The biggest: GUILT.

Maybe I'll just start walking more.

Breakfast: two egg omelet with peppers and onions and cheese.
Lunch: Celery with peanut butter
Dinner: ???