Identity Crisis 2012

Here it is...the bi-annual identity crisis!  (applause, applause, applause)

This identity crisis event seems to occur about every 2 years or so and usually results in some life changing revelation and a decent amount of growth.  It's partnered with lots of writing/journaling, artistic/creative endeavors and a fair amount of banging my head against a wall.  The latter I could do without.

So what brought it on this time?  Well, set aside the constant frustration with my job, feeling trapped inside my home (because I work from home) and other grown-up responsibilities (which really aren't that bad) and you have everything else...well, not really.  I have an amazing husband who accepts me and all my crazy, a family who loves me and friends who are more supportive than anyone could ask.  It's really just my brain that holds me back or at least slows me down.

I have so many varied interests.  SO. MANY!  I think this is main thing that other people enjoy about me and the one that makes me question my sanity.  

I've moved 54 times, went to 17 different schools and have until the past six years had dozens of jobs in various fields.  All of these things make me a very interesting and diverse person but also prevent me from being able to define myself.  You might be thinking, "Why do you have to define yourself, Andrea?"  And while the easy answer is, "I don't!" the harder answer is "because I constantly feel like I'm spinning in circles and grasping at straws."

I want to do so many things with my life but I can't seem to stay focused on one thing long enough to accomplish any of them.  Part of that is ADD, I'm sure, but it's less of the typical task oriented ADD and more of a "Vision Oriented ADD".  I mean, completing tasks is very difficult, don't get me wrong, but eventually I get shit done that needs to get done with regards to work and housekeeping stuff so I don't want to dwell on that.  But yesterday I realized that if I had to brand myself I wouldn't even know where to start!  

I realize that it sounds ridiculous to want to brand yourself, but trust me, it's more common than you think.  Comedians for instance:  Roseann (who's roast happened to be on last night, which also happened to get my wheels spinning faster than they already were) is a brand.  She's known as a crazy, loud-mouth who doesn't give a F@&% about what other people think.  That may not be who she is behind closed doors, but that's how she's perceived.  Martha Stewart is an other example, on the opposite end of the spectrum, of course, but branded non-the-less. Ricky Gervais, John Stewart, Steve Jobs, Meg Ryan, Barack Obama, the list goes on.  Now you're probably thinking, "Andrea, those are celebrities, they get paid lots of money to be those things."  Yes, you're absolutely right!  They do!  And I want to be one of them.  I don't have to be a politician or a comedian or the icon of domestic perfection, but I do want to be known for SOMETHING!  Which is actually REALLY hard for me to say out loud (or in writing) because that little voice in my head tells me that it is ridiculous to want that and even more ridiculous to admit it. But then the other little voice tells me that they were all just normal people before they did something that got noticed and there's no reason why I can't be one of those people too. 

All my life I thought I was someone special because that's what others have always told me.  Maybe everyone hears that growing up and still hears it as an adult...I don't know.  That annoying voice tells me that the people who tell or have told me how "amazing" I am tell that to everyone they know and I'm just lucky to be one of the people those people.  This isn't a woe is me cry for attention, this is me realizing that I base my self worth on other people's perception of who and what I am.  "Self worth" might be a bit dramatic; I certainly wouldn't kill myself if someone told me I was stupid and didn't deserve to live.  But I am unable to describe myself in a positive way without using the words that others use to describe or praise me.  

I hadn't really realized this until last night when I was talking to Brett about the stress I was feeling about "branding" myself.  

Branding, there's that word again.  So why, why do I, as a sales rep for a small company, living in a small town with a husband, some pets and a normal, every-day-life need to brand myself?  Again, because I want to be and do more!  Here's a specific example for you...

I started a web-series cooking show last week because I think it would be so cool to have my own show and I'm tired of waiting for the Food Network to announce auditions for next season's "Food Network Star".  (I fricken love that show!) I had started a food blog about a month ago called "So Whatcha Eating" where I post pictures of foods I prepare/eat as a post-op gastric by-pass patient.  It seemed like a good idea at the time and I'm sure it still is and even though I've had a decent amount of traffic via Pinterest, (which is way cool) I feel like I'm pigeonholing myself.  Yes, I am a post-op and always will be but I don't want that to define who I am and more than that I don't want to have to be limited to low carb recipes and feel obligated to stick to that persona for the rest of my life.  Now you're probably thinking, "you don't have to, Andrea!"  In fact you might even be yelling it at me, but I disagree.  IF I want to be known for something it needs to be consistent.  I can't use my @2eatrealfood on Twitter to talk about my atheism or political views or even that I went to Taco Bell for lunch.  (Which I didn't but I might!)   That's not why people follow me.  They want to hear about recipes I create and the HEALTHY foods I eat and even though Martha Stewart spent time in prison and was able to survive but if you suddenly found out that her house is a complete disaster and that she actually burns water when she cooks you will question her entire...BRAND!  

So in the "branding" conversation that I was having with my sweet, patient husband he said, "I think you need to decide who you are."  He went on to tell me that he knows that I really struggle with that and pointed out all of my varied interests and random "identities"-- cook, writer, actress, singer, hippie, adventure seeker, etc. And he's right!  I am ALL OVER THE PLACE!  He knows me better than I know myself sometimes!  Okay, probably most of the time.  He asked me how I would describe myself and it was then that I realized that all of the adjectives I would use to describe myself were things that other people say about me:  funny, talented, pretty, smart, interesting...I think those are the main specifics.  "Amazing" and "Awesome" are praises I get a lot which I love to hear but what do I do with that?  What do I do with any of it?  Maybe nothing.  Again, that voice tells me things like, "Andrea, they're just saying that to be nice" or "Andrea, they think that's what you need to hear"...and maybe they're right.  Maybe that's all it is, something I need to hear to keep me going in my "normal day-to-day life."  

Having worked in the arts, pursuing a career as an actor and even in all of my other endeavors, I've always had a hard time believing compliments.  I accept them graciously; I truly do appreciate them.  But I prefer my compliments to come with a side of criticism.  That's not REALLY true.  I hate criticism.  I don't even really like suggestions, because that means that what I did wasn't good enough, but I believe criticism far more than I believe praise.  I know I'm not the only one.  It's a common theme among self-improvement-type-shows that make producers a lot of money... but I don't know how to fix it for myself.

So how do I define myself?  I don't fricken know!  Most of the time I really like who I am, believe it or not.  I certainly don't hate myself in fact there are plenty of times when I think I'm pretty damned amazing too, I just don't know how to define it.  I love that I'm always willing to try new things.  I love that I'm never content no matter how frustrating it might be.  I love that I never meet a stranger.  I love that I am good a many things.  I love myself...I just don't know what the hell to do with who I am.  What I do know is that I don't want to sell ticketing software for the rest of my life.

I want my own cooking show.  I want to write a book.  I want my own sitcom.  I want to be on Broadway.  I want to travel the world.  I want an "amazing" physical, mental and emotional transformation post gastric by-pass.  I want the world to know who I am because I too, believe that I am amazing in my own neurotic, spastic, fly-by-the-seat of my pants kind of way. I want to be okay with who I am and I want others to know that they can be okay with who they are too.  That's why I write this silly little blog.  

I don't know what else to say at this point.  I'm sure the contradictions in my ramblings are quite confusing and have probably left you scratching your head...welcome to my world.  

So what's my plan?  Well, as of last night, as I was trying to fall asleep I decided that I need to reactivate Andrea Tripodi.  That doesn't mean I'm getting a divorce and changing my name.  But I am going to revamp my www.andreatripodi.com website and include EVERYTHING about me.  All of my interests, adventures, ideas, accomplishments and setbacks. That way, even if I can't get my brain to focus on who I am at least it will be in one consolidated place and maybe, just maybe someone will notice and pay me to just be me- a cooking, writing, acting, singing, world traveling, adventure seeker...Wouldn't that be nice?

Then and Now...

Because I'm sure you're just dying to know...


So far I've lost NINETY (90) POUNDS! NINETY FREAKING POUNDS!  ...I still want to lose about 70 more, but I'm feeling pretty damned good.  Life is so much easier when you're no longer carrying around three 30lbs bags of dog food everywhere you go.  I don't know how I did it.  I love being able to climb several flights of stairs without getting winded, being able to put on and tie my shoes like a "normal person" sitting in a chair!  I love being able to cross my legs, sit on the floor, fit in those stupid white resin patio chairs!  I love not having to worry about whether or not I'm going to fit in a booth or get up on a bar stool.  I'm still quite overweight and have a ways to go but every day I'm grateful for the accomplishments I've made and look forward to what's in store for my future!

Then

Now - 7.5 Months Post Op

Carowinds Update

So what else has happened in recent months?  Well after the mud run I went to beautiful West Virginia with my bff Stacey and her family.  I've gone with them several times and every time I've been on some diet or another.

The first time I went Stacey and I were doing our own version of a reboot which was mildly successful.  I lost 6lbs during the entire month that we did this.  Six whole pounds!  The second time we went I was doing the HCG diet.  I had lost 11lbs the two weeks prior to our trip and gained 8lbs during the week we were there.  Then last year I was attempting gluten free...but the food there is always so good!  Her mom's baked squashed is out of this world and flour isn't optional!

My point is, this was the first time I spent a week there without stressing over what I was going to eat or more importantly, not eat!  It was so freeing!  Having this surgery is seriously the best decision I've ever made.  I do track what I eat and I am careful about my choices, but I no longer feel out of control when it comes to eating.  I'm able to enjoy food for what it is and appreciate it rather than just consume it.  90% of the time I make good choices and 10% of the time I splurge.  I feel the way I always imagined naturally thin people must feel.  Even though I'm not thin and might never be considered thin, I FEEL normal and that's a good feeling!

It was also great to feel like I could keep up with everyone else, fit comfortably on/in furniture that wasn't made for large people and not constantly feel self-conscious from the moment I got out of bed until it was time to sleep again.  So fun!

On to the title of this blog...Carowinds!  I did it!  I WENT TO CAROWINDS!  I RODE A FREAKING ROLLER COASTER!  Actually I rode several roller coasters and water park rides!  I was supposed to go on a girls trip to the beach but it didn't work out so we spent a day at Carowinds instead.  The night before we went I couldn't sleep; I was so excited, like a kid going to Disneyland.  I was up bright and early and kept watching the clock so I could leave.  There were two roller coasters that I wasn't able to ride due to the size of my ass, but there were several others that I was able to ride and ride, I did!  I had such a blast.  My friends were laughing at me because I was so excited.  I was laughing at me too.

So Carowinds and Mud Run are two milestones that I wanted to accomplish on my weightloss journey.  The next one comes September 8th when I will be spending a day with a group of friends at the National Whitewater Center, white water rafting, kayaking, zip lining and ropes coursing.  I CAN NOT WAIT!

I'll post some pictures soon!  Promise.

Best Decision I've Ever Made

I'm such a slacker!  I know.  I'm sorry.  I've got so many projects going (more like ideas processing) that I can't seem to hone in on one long enough to actually complete any of them...including this blog, or at least a blog entry!

Anyway, my last entry was basically about the anxiety I was feeling over the impending Mud Run which was to take place a week later.  All I can say about that is, "I'm a dork."  The mud run was a BLAST!

Mel and Me at the Starting Line

Brett wasn't able to see the whole course from the spectator's area, but he was able to capture the most important part...getting muddy!

And the best part was that I finished!  I walked a lot of it, if not most but completing it was the best feeling, ever! 

Mel and I were covered from head to toe.  It took me a week to get the mud stains off of my skin.  My finger and toe nails looked like I had a wicked Cheetos addiction.  

I can't wait to do it again!

A Mud What?!

It's been almost 4 months since my last blog post.  This MIGHT be the longest I've ever gone.  For all of you who have been waiting with baited breath, I'm sorry.  I've thought about writing a couple of times but then I've thought, "what would I even write about?"  Things have really been very...boring for the past several months.  Okay, maybe "boring" isn't the right word, but I can't really think of anything super exciting that was blog-worthy.  Yes, I've been losing weight and yes, I'm feeling like a whole new person but day-to-day life has been just that!

So here's a quick summary of the past four months:  I've lost 70lbs total since December 1 and have been averaging about 10lbs a month for the last 3 or 4 months.  When I look at the big number I'm pleased, I realize that 70lbs is a LOT of weight but 10lbs per month does not seem like much considering I had my guts re-routed.  I don't let this get me down but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a tad bit disappointing.

Over the past four months I've gone to the beach three times (not bad!), seen a couple of plays, had a few girls' nights out and started working out regularly (sometimes).

I still struggle with exercise.  I'll do good for a few weeks but then something comes up like a vacation or illness or a change in my routine and I have a REALLY hard time getting back into the swing of things.  I had started the Couch to 5k running program, got through the first week, decided to do the first week again on the second week because I didn't feel ready to move on and then we went on vacation-- haven't been back since.  I know that I need to exercise- no need for lectures.  There's nothing anyone can say that will get my ass to the gym, I will do it...I WILL!  I actually got up early this morning, got dressed, put on my shoes, got in the car, drove down the street towards the gym and then turned around and came home.  Why?  Because it was raining, of course!  I know that sounds like a ridiculous excuse but in my defense it wasn't just raining it was a torrential downpour and the walk from the car to the door of the gym is kinda far if you're walking through a solid sheet of water.  Yes, I realize I could have taken an umbrella, I don't need you to point out what I could have or should have done differently, I'm perfectly capable of doing that myself...I promise!  :-D  I will exercise today, no two ways about it.  I have water aerobics tonight, which I won't miss, although it may be cancelled due to this weather.  However, I WILL go for a walk/run TODAY in my neighborhood.  Seriously!

Okay, enough of that.  Now what's the real purpose of this blog entry?  Well I'm going to do my FIRST mud run NEXT WEEKEND!  (see I can't NOT go for a walk/run through my neighborhood today!)  If you know me personally, or if you've been reading my blog for a while you probably already know how badly I've wanted to do a mud run for a LONG time.  I had hoped to be able to do the Warrior Dash in May, but I wasn't ready.  Hell!  I'm not even sure that I'm ready for this race, but I AM ready to have fun and this one, I believe, is less of a competition more of an excuse to get dirty.

I had pretty much resigned myself to waiting until the fall to do my first but then...Living Social came a-knockin on my email door and I couldn't refuse.  Well, actually I could, but I didn't want to. I saw the email, first-thing when I checked my email yesterday morning on my phone.  I didn't delete it because I wanted to look at it on my computer so I could really investigate.  When I got to my computer about an hour later, there was an email from my friend Melinda that was a forward of the Living Social deal with the words, "Let's do this!!!!! What do you say?"  I mean really, how do you say "no" to that?!  HA!

I hemmed and hawed and freaked out and looked at the race website over and over again.  I surveyed some friends and asked for advice on the Spartan Chick Facebook page and everyone said I should do it.  I didn't really expect them to say anything different.  If I did, I probably wouldn't have asked and if I didn't actually want to do it I wouldn't have even mentioned it but I still needed a good freak out session.

Every time I thought about it, which was pretty much every 10 seconds from about 7:30am until 12:00pm, I got all emotional.  Fear, excitement, joy, fear, fear, fear.  Did I mention fear?  I was fearful that I wouldn't be able to do it, fearful that people would stare or judge or just flat out wonder why I was there but mostly I was fearful of myself. I don't like to suck at things, I'm assuming no one does, but I will rarely try something unless I KNOW I'm going to be good at it.  You may have heard me say before, "I don't want to learn things, I just want to know them."  The same goes for this.  I don't want to "try" it I just want to "do" it, followed up with a loud, "but I don't want to fail!"  Which brings us to the hours of hemming and hawing.  There were many words of encouragement from others but ultimately I had to encourage myself so I decided that I was being silly.  That I should just go and have fun and get dirty and hang with my girl, Melinda.  I have no doubt that we will laugh our asses off the majority of the time and the after-look will make for a great photo-op!

I won't say that I'm not nervous anymore because that would be a lie.  The course is 3.1 miles...did I mention that yet?  No, I don't think I did.  Yeah...THREE POINT ONE MILES!  Enough said!  But knowing that six months ago this was only a dream and that today or at least next week it will be a reality is pretty mother effing THRILLING!  Even if I'm unable to complete all the obstacles and even if I walk the entire thing, I will have accomplished my MAJOR weightloss goal and will only be able to improve from there!

For your viewing pleasure...

Changes and Carrowinds and Anything else relevant...

So I'm sitting here looking at the Carrowinds website for a work related issue and I see that season tickets are on sale and I instantly get excited.

One of my major goals for weightloss surgery is to be able to ride roller coasters again- something I haven't been able to do since 1998- and even then, there were some that my butt wouldn't fit in. So here I am, down 40lbs and wondering if it's worth it to spend the $150.00 for something I may or may not be able to use. In 1999, I weighed about 250, MAYBE 240...maybe. I'm at 280 right now. Do we think I can get down to at least 240 before the beginning of summer? It seems feasible, but...ugh! I asked Brett what he thought and he seems to think that he won't be able to lose enough between now and then- so he's hesitant. Is it wrong of me to want to be completely selfish and say, I'm GOING!? God I want to go SO bad! I want my heart in my throat for at least six hours in one day, several times this year! Tell me that doesn't sound most awesome? I told him that even if we aren't able to do all the rides this year, there will be some that won't be a problem and others that may start as a problem but by the end of summer will be no problem at all. He wasn't completely convinced-- I'm going to have to work on that. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want a season pass! Like REALLY!!!

This brings me to "other news". These last few weeks have been jam packed and super great! It's truly amazing how much better I feel. Not just physically but mentally too. I'm able to focus better, accomplish more and think more clearly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not cured of my ADD- far from it, but I do feel a lot more in control. I feel certain that having little to no simple carbs (and even less wheat) in my diet has made a HUGE difference. I'm also certain that my hormones are leveling out a bit too. I am able to sit down at my desk and actually get a lot of work done at one time rather than spending my day trying to figure out what to do. My job is getting better and I'm finally looking forward to the next day. (I really didn't realize just how depressed I'd become.) This lack of depression is really astounding.

I have been going non-stop for a couple of weeks now. Just yesterday I worked, went to the gym, came home, cooked dinner, ate, watched some TV and then went to the grocery store. The gym and store are two things I wouldn't have done two months ago. The store, eventually, when I finally got around to it, but the gym...eh, highly unlikely-- especially not two days in a row! (I am taking the day off today though)

Tonight I'm going to a meeting for a club we joined a couple months ago, tomorrow I'm going to see a play, I'll be spending Saturday at Costco, Saturday night at a piano bar, Sunday cleaning my house, Monday having coffee with a friend (hopefully), Tuesday and Wednesday preparing for our beach trip on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday! I can't say it enough...I feel like a REAL person with a REAL life!

Even more exciting? For the FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I have to get rid of clothes because they're TOO BIG! WHAT?!?!?!?! Yes! That's just insane! I'm not in need of new clothes yet, which is fine by my wallet, but there are definitely some pants that just look ridiculous on me now. Woo hoo!

Eating is going well. Maybe a little too well. I thought that my decisions would be made for me for at least the first six months, but it turns out there's nothing I can't eat. Seriously. I have had NO problems with anything I've tried, even dessert. (two bites, that's all) So it's up to me to make the right choices. I'm okay with that- the bypass is still my tool and I'm not feeling deprived at all. I'm CHOOSING to eat mostly protein and vegetables and I don't feel like I'm a slave to carbs. The best part is that when I'm at my goal weight (whatever that may be) I'll know that I earned every ounce of pride I'll have for making the choice to get healthy and fit. So that's that.

As promised...

December 1, 2011




January 28, 2012 - 8 weeks since the start of the liquid diet, 6 weeks post op.



This is the same exact dress, same exact size just a different color.

I really can't even believe that it's going to get even better than this! You have know idea how FUCKING amazing that feels. Yes, I just used the whole, real F word. That's how amazing it feels- deal with it.

I Love you Dr. Gersin!

How did you get so fat?

Before I had this surgery, I had to go through a fairly comprehensive psychological evaluation that consisted of an interview as well as 600+ questions on a computer and written test. I have no idea what I scored, I just know that the psychologist approved me for surgery. So my guess is that I'm pretty sane...

There are many reasons that people get fat or have a weight problem- one way or the other. For many it IS an eating disorder; for others...I don't know. I can only speak for myself.

I have just about every reason in the world to have an eating disorder diagnosis- broken home, abusive parent, absent father, virtually no stability (moved 20+ times before I turned 18, went to 14 different schools, the list goes on), my mom is overweight as is most of my family- food equals love. But I feel like somehow, that's not my problem. I really do not believe that I have an eating disorder. I think that I LOVE food, good food and bad food and that I have (had) bad habits- but I do not believe that I have a bad "relationship" with food- which is essentially what an eating disorder boils down to, right? Of course I've made many, MANY bad choices, but those choices weren't a product of a disorder.

Prior to surgery I had been told that I might be angry or depressed because I wouldn't be able to eat like I used to- I was fully prepared to feel that way. I even warned Brett that I might get mean or exceptionally moody or...who knows what. But I haven't. Not at all. I haven't missed any foods or felt deprived or angry that I couldn't eat. In fact, I'm happy to not be able to eat! It feels incredible to have that habit broken and I'm enjoying other things instead.

So how did I get to the point of being so big that I needed surgery? (I don't THINK I've written a blog about this yet, but if I did, here it is again- probably in much more detail)

It was a combination of things- learned habits, bad hormones and the snowball effect.

So first of all, I've always been heavy- at least since the second grade. How did that happen? Genetics? Learned behaviors? YES! What's different here is that although I was always the fat kid I didn't let it stop me- it didn't stop be from being active, it didn't stop me from playing sports, trying out for cheer leading, performing or eating. Sure, there were a few times I remember being unsatisfied with my body and wanting to try a diet but it never lasted. I guess that's a good thing? My family was aware of my "weight problem", they made comments, but it was never a BIG deal- they never forced me to go on diets or exercise or...in fact it was kind of the opposite, but I don't feel like going into that much detail right this second, mostly because I'm lazy AND I don't want to get sidetracked (shoot, it's already happening!) Okay- so...I think that BECAUSE they didn't make a huge deal of my weight, I never felt like I wasn't good enough or that food was my enemy or, I don't know, any number of things that lead to eating disorders. I guess I was lucky in that way. But ss I got older, the childhood habits and weight snowballed.

There were times when I lost weight, three that I can remember. The first was in 1999 when I was living in Los Angeles and doing Pirates Penzance, dancing four hours a day, five days a week and eating protein bars for dinner (Howard Stern said they were good- he was wrong, but I ate them anyway). I lost about 20lbs during the 8 weeks of rehearsal plus the 6 week run of five show weekends. I was already "overweight" when I was cast- about 250lbs, so I got down to about 230 by the end of the run. The second time was 2001 when I took metabolife (I LOVED that stuff!) and went from a desk job to being a preschool teacher- I lost 20lbs in one month and went from 290lbs to 270lbs. The third and final time was 2003 when I played Psuedolous in "A Funny Thing Happened...Forum"- again rehearsals five nights a weeks, blah, blah, blah. I lost another 20lbs over the course of a few months and by the end weighed about 260lbs. I just tried to find a picture of what I looked like back then but I don't know where any are- if I even have any. My point is, that unless I was losing, I was gaining. And even though those numbers seem like an insane about of weight to most people, they were just numbers to me. That was just who I was, who I've always been. Those numbers didn't stop me from dating or going out dancing or being active- they were just the number that appeared when I stepped on the scale.

It wasn't until the last few years that the weight started to bother me- age, I guess. It was around the time I turned 30. My joints started hurting and I just felt lethargic all the time. I'm sure that also had/has something to do with an extremely sedentary lifestyle. About a year prior to turning 30 I started working from home (the same job I have now) and would go days without leaving the house because there was no where I HAD to be- it was one of my new "bad habits". A habit I'm still fighinting which I'm planning to break starting Monday (more on that later). So, I continued to eat like I always had with practically ZERO activity, other than going from room to room in my house. As my body hurt worse, I stopped doing the things I used to do for fun, like dance, hike, theater, etc.-- the weight kept piling on and I felt more and more miserable.

I know many people who read this will thinking to themselves, "but HOW? how do you get to be SO big?" The answer is: I never saw it coming. I just went about my daily business and the weight creeped on, pound by pound. You see, when you've always been overweight, a little extra is really no big deal- the fat is almost invisible. It's not like when you're thin and you see every pound you put on. Think about it. If you start out with one cotton ball and add two more, you see a huge difference, right? It's those cotton balls have increase by 200%, but when you have 50 cotton balls and you add one or even 3 or 4 or FIVE, you'll barely see a change- that's kind of getting fat works. I have no idea why cotton balls popped into my head, but regardless of what the item is, the more you start with the less you notice when more is added. Yeah?

So that's that. It was a slow process, one that took a good 30 years to complete and one that is currently being dismantled, pound by mother effing pound.

It terrifies me to think that I could have gotten worse and probably would have if I hadn't taken control of the situation. I had just accepted my life the way it was- accepted the fact that I would always be fat and that was it, that was my destiny- not because of an eating disorder but because my 127lbs 11year old self had snowballed into my 300+ pound 34 year old self. The End.

Five Weeks Post Op

Well as of yesterday it's been five weeks since my surgery and all is well. I am seeing major changes in my body which is extremely exciting. My range of motion is so much better. It's amazing how much that inner tube of fat around your mid section gets in the way. And my bip (also know as the butt-hip, the never ending hip, the shelf, or the ghetto booty) is almost normal. I'm pretty sure no one has ever had a bip like mine. I could balance a glass of Dom Perignon on my bip and walked around the block without having to worry about it crashing to the ground. Sure, it would have sloshed around a lot, but it would have been secure on that protrusion of fat that could have easily seconded as a dining room table. Now it's more like a nightstand and for now, I'm okay with that.

The rest of me is getting smaller too. I can't tell you how good it feels to be on the downswing. There have been a few times in my life when I've lost some weight, but nothing like this, this is different. I guess because it's happening quickly. Well that and I've never lost THIS MUCH at one time before. I'm officially down 40lbs from December 1st. That's pretty damned amazing. I actually hadn't really thought about that until just now. (Excuse me while I go do a happy dance...)

Okay. Whew!

Now that I'm in my fifth week my diet is no longer restricted. I am free to make my own choices and that is a relief! The only time I struggled during the restricted phase was during the "liquids only". It only lasted one week, the week of my surgery, but by the fourth day I was STARVING. That pretty much sucked. But other than that it's been smooth sailing. The only thing I've really had trouble eating are scrambled eggs- which are supposed to be a staple in the post diet-- Leave it to me to be the opposite of the norm. I've been very fortunate to have not gotten "sick", but the few times that I've tried to eat eggs have hurt. Like bad. They feel like they get stuck and the base of my esophagus and just sit there, turning into nails that dig at my abdominal cavity. It's really pretty awful. But I've found that if I get up and walk around it subsides pretty quickly. I've also found that if I just avoid eggs it doesn't happen at all. :) (Though there's bound to be something else that will do the same thing- so it's good to know for future reference)

So what do I eat? Well, The last few days it's been fruit smoothies in the morning- which let me tell you...are the best damned thing that's happened since, you guessed it, sliced bread. Every morning I wake up hungry AND thirsty but I have to choose between food or drink because I can't have both at the same time and, in fact, have to wait 30 minutes between the two. So a fruit smoothie satisfies both. Heaven sent I tell you, heaven sent. So fruit smoothie in the morning, or protein hot chocolate made with coffee...yum! For lunch I was eating left overs but this week, now that I'm not longer restricted and am tolerating them well, it's CUCUMBERS and hummus with piece of salami and provolone and wedge of laughing cow or a fresh mozzarella ball. YUM!

It's funny what I can eat and what I can't eat. And what goes down easy and what doesn't. Sometimes I eat three bites and I'm done, other times I can eat four inches of cucumber, 2tbs of hummus, salami and three kinds of cheese. Weird. Eating slow is certainly key and most of the time I'm really good about it, but every once in a while I forget to chew my food to liquid and swallow too soon. Then I have to burp and burp and burp and burp and burp. Fortunately I'm a champion burper, always have been (I was actually worried that I wouldn't be able to burp after the surgery) which makes getting through some tough situations much easier...or at least quicker.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!

I guess that's it for now. I'll try to post some before and now pics soon. If you're half as curious as I am then we'll all be thrilled!

Like those who have gone before me, having this surgery was the best decision I've ever made.

Letting Go

So I was just sitting here at my desk thinking about this journey that I'm on. you always hear that saying- something like, it's not about the destination it's about the journey--- or something like that? I'm so bad with sayings, it's really kind of ridiculous. Anyway, I've been stressing this week because I haven't lost any weight since last Wednesday. I mean, I know how insane that is- I hope you do too! BUT, I've decided to let go. I'm not going to stress about how much I've lost or how quickly it's happening. I WILL HAPPEN. I'm not going to feel sorry for myself, even though I am feeling a little justified in my pre-op freak out about being the (mythical) 3%. I've said for a long time that my body hates me- this is not a lie. However, I also hate my body, so I guess I can't ask for much in return.

I wish that I could say something profound like, "I've decided to love my body!" and have it be some life-changing event, but that's not going to happen-- at least for a while. If I said it, it would be a lie. So forget that...for now. For now, I will be patient: I will go about my daily business, avoid the scale except at doctor's appointments (or at least I'll try) I'll eat right and exercise daily- I will give my body NO excuses for hating me. I will simply take care of simply because it is the right thing to do. I'm not going to compare my "success" to other's, I'm just going to enjoy whatever progress I make and even though I was really hoping that I would be one of those "drastic weightloss patients", I'll be happy being a successful weightloss patient- even if it takes three years to get there. --yeah, that would TOTALLY suck ass! And, I WOULD NOT be happy if it took three years, in fact, I'd be down right pissed, but eh. We'll see.

Oh, btw, I got my period yesterday. That's three times in three months- this is a first. I wonder if this is a new thing that will stick? Weird. I guess now that I've decided that I don't want kids my ovaries have decided to start working. See it's not my imagination. My body hates me! True story.

The End.

Down 30lbs from my highest (2.5 weeks pre-op, when I started the liquid diet- this is the number I like best, for obvious reasons)

Down 10lbs since day of surgery (26 days post op) GRRRRRRRR!

Joined a Gym!

I wish that "joining a gym" was actually news worthy but it really isn't. This probably the, wait, hold on, I think I can remember...this IS the fifth gym I've joined- so it's not really all that exciting or anything new for that matter. But I'm feeling better about it this time around- eh, I always feel good about it in the beginning so I guess that's not really news worthy either. Anyway, I joined a gym yesterday and I will be going for the first time TODAY!

I joined an all women's gym in hopes that I will feel confident enough to step foot in there prior to any drastic weightloss--- in order to LOSE A DRASTIC AMOUNT OF WEIGHT! Grrr...Why do I hate exercising so much? I don't mean I dislike it- I mean I HATE it! Like it makes me feel nauseated when I think about it, even just going for a walk seems like torture. SO BORING! I hate walking "for pleasure"- to me there's nothing pleasurable about it. Even though I live in a beautiful area and am surrounded by lovely parks and quaint, very walkable streets, I just can't seem to find any joy in "going for a walk". Maybe that will change with weightloss, but I doubt it. I've never enjoyed walking- seems like a waste of time. I do however love hiking and riding my bike- but those are off limits for a while. So I'm hoping that by joining a gym, AGAIN, that I will find a decent distraction in whatever is on TV while I'm on the treadmill and eventually (approximately 4 weeks from now) I'll be able to take an aerobics class or body pump or SOMETHING that doesn't require being completely stationary and/or WALKING!

You're probably thinking that I need to change my attitude, and you're probably right, but it's not going to happen...unless of course I suddenly enjoy walking. Yeah, I know, thought beget feelings, blah, blah, blah...I HATE WALKING!

So anyway- I had my two week follow up with the surgeon yesterday- also known as Mr. Personality. He's SO quiet and dry that it's almost funny. I can't do an impression of him in writing because there aren't enough descriptors in my vocabulary, but suffice it to say, he is...a great surgeon and it's a good thing the majority of his time that is spent with his patients is while they're out cold. Regardless, my appointment went well- I'm healing nicely and he's pleased with my progress. Duh.

I've moved on to "soft foods", which basically means anything except: bread (I know it's soft but it's gluey) raw vegetables, raw fruit (except bananas), dry and dryish meat, melba toast, Triscuits, and anything fried, sugary or fatty. So far, so good. This week I've dined on deli turkey and cheese, meatloaf and mashed cauliflower with peas, macaroni with meat sauce (mostly the meat sauce), grilled chicken with broccoli and Alfredo, Chex cereal with milk, sugar free pudding and Chrystal Light popsicles. It's nice to have more complex flavors and textures.

I'm supposed to eat a half a cup of food three times per day plus two snacks and LOTS of liquids and protein. Let me tell you, it's hard as hell to get that all in, in one day! I'm a big water drinker and I like to chug it but because my stomach (pouch) is to teeny tiny I can't, so I have to try to sip all day. (I'm a whiner aren't I? Sheesh!) It really is hard though. I want to chug but I have to sip and then when I'm hungry I have to wait 30 minutes since my last sip to actually eat- then wait another 30 to drink again. This leaves me feeling thirsty almost constantly. Sometimes I forget and I take a big gulp- fortunately I remember before I swallow but still. I have swallowed too much water at one time, in-fact I do it several times a day- not huge swallows, but too much. When that happens, it hurts. The pain only lasts a few seconds but it grosses me out to think about too much water in a my teen tiny pouch. I know it's supposed to stretch a bit, but thinking about it stretching gives me the eeby jeebies.

I've only lost three pounds since my last post- I think most of it is water weight. The Dr. didn't seem concerned- he says "you WILL lose weight, it's impossible not to". But if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you know that my body is a real pistol so I can't say I'm surprised by this lack of loss. I was hoping I'd be one of those success stories that lost 90lbs in the first three months, but it's not looking like that's going to be the case. Instead I will be one of those slow steady types- greeeeat...

I guess that's all for now. Here's to walking on a treadmill for the next four weeks. Yay!